After months of being pushed around by the neighborhood thugs, I got myself engraved a few days ago:

Red-Eyed Tree Frogs in the house, bee-atch! The boys I roll with don't need real firearms when we're all packing guns like these.

I've been on this big sanitation kick lately (clearly not my paternal genes), especially since mom bought me my own mop:

Considering mom's support of this new hobby, I was surprised by her reaction when I asked her to help out with some essential spring cleaning. I believe my exact words were, "Mommy, can you wipe the floor with me?"

She laughed at me. Can you imagine???

I am a huge fan of carnivals. The rides are great, the food is nice and greasy. But what I really look forward to is the unabashed celebration of the grotesque and appalling. In this respect, the local fair in Charlottesville this past weekend did not disappoint.

The first thing I did upon arrival was get the lay of the land atop the ferris wheel:

OK... I'm just trying not to think about the last time this junker was inspected.

What I saw from the top was truly mind-boggling. You readers can share in my wonder by clicking on the picture below, printing it out on your computer, and circling all of the revoltingly obese people. It's fun for the whole family! (Answer key at the bottom)

1-3 --> You've been eating funnel cakes for so long, you wouldn't know a triple-chin if it smacked you upside the head.
4-6 --> Look harder. Fatties don't just hang out in the foreground.
7-9 --> You're starting to appreciate the flesh-fest.
10-12 --> You have a fairly well-honed flab-dar!
13-15 --> Impressive. You've made the honor "roll"... heh heh.
16+ --> You obviously have too much time on your hands. Put down the magnifying glass and get a life immediately. Or some exercise.

After seeing the big picture, I had to get a close up view, so I hopped aboard the elephant safari:

Oh my god, are those C-cups??? They ARE C-cups!!!

As fun as it was, the afternoon took a depressing turn when I paused to consider that the cost of the obesity epidemic was going to fall on the shoulders of my generation. Ari, my date for the afternoon, had to give me a hug.

I beg you, don't look in that direction. It's too much!

As promised, here is the answer key:

How'd you do? Either way, give yourself a big fat pat on the back.

I woke up this past Sunday morning to the following crime scene:

My faithful drug-sniffing dog assessed the evidence and determined that it was delicious.

After a brief investigation, I concluded that someone had broken into our house and scattered colored eggs all over our furniture. Most of our electronic devices and applicances were still intact, so I attributed this burglary to a psychopath. I decided it was necessary to get inside the head of the criminal mastermind (Clarice Starling-style):

If I had two big furry ears, where would I hide the body... er, eggs?

This turned out to be a total dead end. So I gave up after a while and ate chocolate for the rest of the day. Apparently, some mysteries are best left unsolved.

It had been a while since I'd sat down and discussed the finer points of legal theory with dad's school friends, so I was looking forward to seeing them all again at the annual UVA Law Spring Picnic. Much to my surprise, they were less interested in my controversial views on Alphabet Tort Theory and more interested in quizzing me on my state capitals. I obliged (and killed--100% correct!), and a few sad souls even admitted that I knew more than they did on the subject:

What the hell are they teaching these clowns if not the state capitals???

I also caught the eye of one of dad's professors, the great Caleb Nelson. He seemed genuinely impressed with my intellect, something that is apparently a rarity. I was told that I had a head start on getting a recommendation for a clerkship. Whatever that is.


Me 'n' Caleb. He doesn't seem to notice that I'm impersonating him. (NB: Only dad's law friends will get that or find it remotely amusing.)

PS: True story-- it was only a few weeks ago that mom explained to me that dad went to "law school" and not "lost school" as I had thought for my entire life. So it turns out that dad has been learning the law and not getting lost every day. Who knew?

I should note that last week was my spring break from preschool. I was really pushing for a family vacation to Daytona, South Padre or Cancun, mostly because I've heard that there are lots of gulls down there that have gone wild. Given my nascent interest in ornithology, you can see why I wanted travel such a long distance to observe this phenomenon. Sadly, I was unable to persuade mom and dad to make the trip. I think this picture sums up how my spring break was spent instead:

Next year I'm going it alone.

Easter is coming up-- stay tuned for news on how I celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, who I'm guessing is someone who daddy is always angry at.

I realize I've been incommunicado the last week or two, so I just want to give people a general update of what I've been up to so you guys don't panic.

I've been making great strides (ha!) in my individual football skills in the past few weeks, as you can see from this action shot:

The main problem is that I have such mad crazy ball skills, I'm having a hard time playing with my vastly inferior teammates. It's quite frustrating, really.

C'mon, kiddo, make a cut. You need to cut. If you just stand there, the ball is going to get stolen. Work with me here. For god's sake, DO SOMETHING!

It's really a problem of focus. Most of the kids out there get distracted by butterflies, dirt, specks of dust. Last practice was the first time we played together rather than just with our moms and dads, and it was pathetic. A lot of the parents looked like they were playing foosball out there, only yelling instead of turning the knobs to activate their players. Meanwhile, I was trying to... HEY! A butterfly! I'm gonna go chase after that butterfly... sorry, I'm back.

Anyway, I'm thinking of sticking to a more solitary sport like basketball, where I've mastered the no-jump slam dunk and have moved on to the mid-range jumper.

Yes, that is all net you see there. And yet, I did call it.

In addition to mastering the state capitols, I've started drawing letters:

Here's my Z, L, T and what appears to be an oblong vegetable.

This has also been a week of celebration, what with dad's birthday...

He finally turned twenty-leven!

...and Grandma Lisa getting a big lifetime achievement award. I'm still not sure precisely what the award was for, but I'm pretty sure it was "World's Greatest Grandma." It was my job to escort Grandma and Char the Great for the celebration weekend:


I was invited to the ceremony itself and naturally wanted to look my sharpest:

Then I thought, hey, I'm representing the University of Virginia. I'd better tweak my wardrobe just a little bit:


After the award was presented...

I think "Hadassah" is Jewish for "World's Greatest Grandma"...

...I gave a few off-the-cuff remarks:

Hi Grandma. I'm on a 'tage!

(Dad's still working on getting me to stop dropping the "s" on those double consonants. For some reason, he winces when I talk about my scooter. Go figure.)