It's been a tough last few days gearing up for departure. First, I had to tie up some loose ends at my last soccer practice. There was the obligatory team photo:
Six kids looking in the same direction-- that's the best you're gonna do.
Then they unleashed all of us for the first official match. It was hard to focus at first, what with all of the grass and dirt:
But eventually I "got into the game," as they say in the erectile dysfunction biz. At the very least, I chased around some of the kids who were chasing the ball.
Frankly, the whole game was a sham. Players were offsides all over the place, parents were blatantly interfering with the players, and where were the out-of-bounds lines? This sport is a joke. I'm a rules guy, and I need my teammates to stay within those rules. As of today, I am declaring myself a free agent, available to the highest bidder.
I'm sort of glad I'll be missing the awards ceremony in two weeks. The self-esteeming of America has gone too far, and I refuse to be party to the doling out of meaningless participation awards to kids who showed up half the time and picked their noses all practice while guys like me were putting in the grunt work, digging up rocks and running in random directions for the whole hour. I say, you need to WORK for your laser-printed certificate.
Next on the agenda, I attended a farm-animal themed birthday for my friend Ari at the Museum of the Frontier Culture in Staunton. I couldn't tell you the slightest thing about how white people lived back in the day, but I can tell you all about what animals got tortured by toddlers back in the day:
Feel my wrath, chicken.
Come back to my birthday pate'... I mean, party!
Watch where you wave those horns, Bessie.
I was somewhat surprised to find these on the Muslim-themed farm.
We listened to Elton John all the way home. The bitch is back, baby!
Most importantly, I had to bid adieu to Monty, who is spending the summer with my friends Henry and Bubba (yes, Bubba) in the back woods of Albemarle County.
There is some concern that Monty will revert to a feral state by the time we reclaim him in August. I'm not too worried, mostly because Monty is basically a wild animal even when he's living with us.
See y'all west of the Mississippi!
Six kids looking in the same direction-- that's the best you're gonna do.
Then they unleashed all of us for the first official match. It was hard to focus at first, what with all of the grass and dirt:
But eventually I "got into the game," as they say in the erectile dysfunction biz. At the very least, I chased around some of the kids who were chasing the ball.
Frankly, the whole game was a sham. Players were offsides all over the place, parents were blatantly interfering with the players, and where were the out-of-bounds lines? This sport is a joke. I'm a rules guy, and I need my teammates to stay within those rules. As of today, I am declaring myself a free agent, available to the highest bidder.
I'm sort of glad I'll be missing the awards ceremony in two weeks. The self-esteeming of America has gone too far, and I refuse to be party to the doling out of meaningless participation awards to kids who showed up half the time and picked their noses all practice while guys like me were putting in the grunt work, digging up rocks and running in random directions for the whole hour. I say, you need to WORK for your laser-printed certificate.
Next on the agenda, I attended a farm-animal themed birthday for my friend Ari at the Museum of the Frontier Culture in Staunton. I couldn't tell you the slightest thing about how white people lived back in the day, but I can tell you all about what animals got tortured by toddlers back in the day:
Feel my wrath, chicken.
Come back to my birthday pate'... I mean, party!
Watch where you wave those horns, Bessie.
I was somewhat surprised to find these on the Muslim-themed farm.
We listened to Elton John all the way home. The bitch is back, baby!
Most importantly, I had to bid adieu to Monty, who is spending the summer with my friends Henry and Bubba (yes, Bubba) in the back woods of Albemarle County.
There is some concern that Monty will revert to a feral state by the time we reclaim him in August. I'm not too worried, mostly because Monty is basically a wild animal even when he's living with us.
See y'all west of the Mississippi!
posted by elikaplowitz at 9:12 AM
1 Comments:
Eli
Glad to see you back at your trix. this posting, however, was the one that made me laugh the most and reflect on the Magic of Sir Elton or as the pinballers all know him, Captain Fantastic. The whole Wagoner Fam is now in Iowa so Olivia will have some good stories to share with you about Midwesterners.
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