Elijah Kaplowitz: Kinder-Gardener

2008-10-14T18:07:00.000-07:00

I got to witness a wee bit o' history this past weekend. At first, there was just a lot of waiting, and frankly, the view sort of sucked:

Then, after 45 minutes or so, the big moment drew near-- here's the view from Daddy's shoulders:

By that point, I had had enough. The conversation went like this:
Me: Daddy...
Daddy: Yeah?
Me: This is BORING.
Daddy: But Eli, our next president is about to come out.
Me: But I want to go home... NOW.

In the end, we stuck around and heard Obama. Something about the middle class, hope, lifting people up out of this financial crisis, creating jobs...

I would have preferred that he pander to my demographic a little bit... maybe throw me some red meat about manned missions to Mars, tax breaks for cat purchases, government subsidies for drawing mazes... stuff like that. I might write him a letter or something.

2008-09-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

BIG NEWS-- I'm officially a professional student! It's been a week, and so far I am tearing up my kindergarten class. I haven't yet calculated my GPA, but it has to be about a million-billion. Of course, it helps that I gained a solid foundation over the summer. First, I went to an art camp, whose end-of session exhibition featured one of my masterpieces:

It's basically what Van Gogh would have painted if he had been an astronaut.

Then I spent a weekend toughening up with Uncle Wren on the mean streets of Avalon, New Jersey:

Working out with Daddy...

And learning how to swim. I think I'm well on my way to a Phelpsian physique. I've heard he barely eats anything just like me...

The final pre-kindergarten test was a rugged weekend at Graves Mountain Lodge in Virginia:

I hope hill-climbing is on the curriculum.

And before I knew it, it was time for the big day. Here I am with my sweet-a** backpack and lunchbox:

Here's my ride. Don't worry-- that's not a new brother, just a kid that mommy's been taking care of. I would have told you about something like that, notwithstanding how infrequently I've been posting these days.

And finally, we arrived:

Everyone had to get in on the photo op:

And then it was time for mom and dad to let go:

I think I saw Dad cry like a little baby, but I'm not sure.

More later,

Eli

2008-05-02T18:37:00.000-07:00

Spring is upon us like a pile of oak fluff here in Jenkintown. Warm sunny days mean more time sniffing flowers in our garden:

Playing with Evie in my new water table...

Training for sand castle competitions on the Jersey Shore this summer...

And picnicking with my friend Cathy on the lawn...

We got a sneak preview of spring back in March when we made our triumphant return to Charlottesville. It was a tearful reunion with Jack and Rachel...

Ari and Xavier...

And dumplings on the Downtown Mall...

The hours in the car were a little rough. Luckily we stopped at some scenic rest stops to stretch our legs and play in traffic:

This is not to say I haven't been experiencing the smorgasbord of cultural events that Philadelphia offers. A few weeks ago we took in the Indian cultural fair, where I made sand pictures on a floor...

Freaking my dad out with my badass Indian mask...

And vice versa...

Then came daddy's birthday. I won't divulge how OLD he is, but let's just say he's definitely not allowed to say he's in his "mid"-twenties. He did enjoy the cake that mommy and I made him:

Mmmm... we devoured it together soon after this picture was taken.

But far and away the highlight of the last two months was going to the circus with grandma and grandpa. Taking the Philly subway down to the arena was a good start, the urine smell notwithstanding:

We got there early so that I could hang out with the performers...

Then we got into our seats with grandpa...

...and grandma and Evie and my $11 snow cone...

The whole experience got me thinking, with tomorrow being Mother's Day and all, it's about time I expressed my adoration of grandma in some sort of poetic form. So here goes:

Grandma is the greatest, I love her warm embraces,
And when she comes to visit, we see the coolest places.

We go to the museums, and to the circus too.

We hop aboard the metro, and take it to the zoo.

She always keeps me safe, from dangers great and small,

Like cars on busy streets and rare diseases from Nepal.

She gets me books and stylin' clothes, even when I'm acting bratty.

So Happy Happy Mother's Day, and thanks for making Daddy.

Love to all,

Eli

2008-02-17T05:56:00.000-08:00

As my sister just posted, the reason for the three month delay is that we were both showing solidarity with the striking writers. Now that the strike is finally over, we can both peel ourselves off the couch, stop watching reality TV, and post some pictures.

Unfortunately, as you might imagine, there are too many pictures, too many great stories, and not enough time to cram them all into one blog post. Christmas and my 5th birthday alone would take up so much bandwidth, your computer would basically freeze up from exhaustion. So it's all going to have to trickle out, much like someone with... OK, dad just told me to stop that train of thought.

Without further ado, here are some pictures:

Mommy and I relaxing at Paki and Grandma Mitzi's house.

Me freezing my buns off in the Minnesota snow.

Boo getting intimate with one of my new Christmas stuffed animal acquisitions.

I've been dabbling in digital photography. In addition to a bunch of out-of-focus pictures of my stuffed animals, I captured this startling picture of a starving Rochester goose on the rampage.

This is just the start. Keep posted as more pictures ooze out, little by little.

2007-12-19T19:03:00.000-08:00

I made my theatrical debut this morning in an off-Old York Road production of a story that some of you may be familiar with. It's the story of a cow who witnesses the birth of some kid in some town somewhere. What's important here is that this cow is feeling very nervous about being on stage, yet somehow, through sheer force of will, triumphs over this anxiety to become the crucial cow in this particular dramatic production:

Moo, I say. Moo.

Apparently, someone wrote a book about this story at some point. Mom had heard of the book, but my dad didn't have the slightest idea about it. It didn't involve the Berenstein Bears, so I hadn't heard of it either.

The crowd called for an encore, so my fellow thespians and I regaled them with an impromptu, in-tune collection of seasonal melodies.

Jenga bell, jenga bell, jenga aldaway...

I thought our performance was worthy of five stars, but our harshest critic was the one I least expected. Evie gave it a paltry one projectile puke:

We'll see what the Inquirer says tomorrow. Stay posted!

2007-12-16T11:52:00.000-08:00

Let me just say right off the bat that my delinquency has nothing to do with daddy abandoning his family for his job. The fact that I see him maybe an hour a day and one day on weekends is entirely irrelevant to the lack of blog posts. I'm not going to lay this at daddy's feet this time, no sirree.

Instead, let me tell you the real reasons why I've had better things to do than post pictures and witty banter for my adoring fans. First off, Evie and I have been doing spa day at least a few times a week. That takes up lots of time:

This water is naturally heated (by our hot water system), with therapeutic powers derived from the little fizzy tablets that turn the water blue. (No yellow tablets necessary-- zing!)

Then there was Halloween. Anyone who knows mommy knows that this can be a very time-consuming thing in our house. First there was the costume. I was going to be an astronaut, but had a hard time finding any suits that I could fill out. So I went with the cat, though I wasn't happy about getting my second choice:

Mrrrow.

Cathy was my Halloween buddy this year. In addition to going trick-or-treating with me, she invited me to her killer party.

That's her-- Superwoman.

I successfully bobbed for some apples too. That took a fair amount of time:

Har to poft to fuh bog wike dis.

Just as I was sitting down to blog about Halloween, wouldn't you know it but PaKi and Grandma Mitzi came to visit. They kept me pretty busy with...
Tea time...

Showing them around Philadelphia... (they had never even been!)

Indulging in some tasty BBQ...

Chopping down all sorts of crap in our back yard...

And then riding on said crap...

See? Busy. And THEN, just as I was going to post about all of that, Thanksgiving crept up on me, with the arrival of my Idaho cousins. Well, there was certainly no time to post when there was mayhem to make...
Creating a post-apocalyptic dystopia in my basement...

Scouring the yard for colorful leaves...

Watching light shows in downtown Philly...

Getting dramatic readings from mommy...

And, of course, doing... this?

As soon as they left, darned if it wasn't time to rake leaves. Daddy sure as heck wasn't going to i it...

All of that hard work out in the cold made me sick, along with mommy and ev. Funny, but daddy seemed to be perfectly healthy. Must not be a whole lot of germs up in that law firm of his...

Trust me, he's healthy. His kids, not so much.

And THEN, just as soon as I was feeling better, it was time to make my list for Santa Claus:

It's pretty cool that he stopped in Jenkintown... although we are apparently the center of the universe.

So that, in a nutshell, is why it's been almost two freakin' months since I last posted. But don't worry-- I'm sure the next few weeks will be pretty sedate. I mean, other than flying in Minnesota, ringing in 2008 and celebrating my fifth birthday, I'll have all of the blogging time in the world.

Love,
Eli

2007-10-15T18:39:00.001-07:00

I know it's been too long, but I really have to lay this at dad's feet. I had this thing written up weeks ago, and all I wanted was a little proofreading. But dad kept saying, "As soon as I'm done researching this, as soon as I'm done reviewing that." Meanwhile, I had to keep adding more and more pictures, and eventually it became a vicious cycle. Luckily, I caught Dad in a down week, so here we are. First, I wanted to lead off with some adorable pictures of the most important lady in my life (apologies to my new best friend and next door neighbor Cathy... she's cute, but not Evelyn-cute:

Daddy should really be home by now.

Suitable for framing.

No chance of sleeping in on your weekends, Daddy.

The death-defying double airplane-- do not try this at... work.

Thanks to global warming, summer has lasted extra long. That means more time to mow the lawn...

...and go to local street fairs. After years of coaxing, I finally bent to parental pressure and got my face painted. I had very specific instructions for the painter:

I need the Earth on one side, the moon on the other, and a rocket going in between.

Voila!

With the (sort-of) arrival of fall, it's time for the annual Kaplowitz apple-pick. This time, we had the benefit of family fruit afficionado Aunt Val:

Almost as good as Grandma Lisa at 123-whee. It's almost as if her and Grandma are related...

The apples in Pennsylvania were just as crunchy:

Cheers, mates.

I've been expanding my artistic horizons lately as well. Here's the portrait of my faithful animal companion, Boo:

Oh, and the people-eaters have made a comeback into my oeuvre:

It's more of a people-buffet, if you will.

I found more inspiration when dad took me to the Philadelphia Art Museum this past weekend. I'd show you some pictures, but the guards gave me a dirty look when I tried to capture Monet on camera. My favorite was the abstract stuff-- I'm pretty sure I could do a Jackson Pollock if you gave me enough finger paint.

The biggest news, of course, is that I just started at my new school:

It's actually bigger than just this sign. There's more in the building behind me.

Here's me with some of my new classmates. The guy to the right of me is a little strange. That big stupid grin makes me want to bash his head in or something.

Here's the whole gang on our field trip to the pumpkin patch. For some reason, I'm the smallest in this class too.

Now, usually I don't do this, but I'm going to break off a little preview of the Halloween costumes:

Just to keep things balanced, Boo is dressing up as me this year.

Monty is less than delighted with his costume:

We also made a scarecrow for our front yard. I think dad has some issues:

That's it for now. I'll try not to be so delinquent in the future, but I can't really control daddy's work schedule. If any of his bosses are reading this, they should give him less stuff to do.

Eli

2007-10-01T18:09:00.001-07:00

I have a lot of new pictures to share, particularly regarding my new school and Evie's sudden mobility. However, those will have to take a back seat as I bring you another edition of: What Did Monty Eat Now>

This edition comes courtesy of Marge, who has finally discovered her hunting instinct at this late point in her life. Mommy and I spotted her batting around a mouse in our back yard. Mommy went out to try to rescue the poor thing, and Monty followed behind. Monty, apparently thinking Marge was eating food, ran over and stole the mouse from her. When Mommy went to chase him, he swallowed it. Whole. With a slight crunch. It was the most grotesque thing I've seen in my life, and bear in mind I've lived with Monty for over four and a half years.

The perp:

The victim (artist's rendering)

The hermit crabs are on notice.

2007-09-02T18:19:00.000-07:00

This may be my last post in a while, since my main grammar checker's vacation is coming to an end on Monday and he is about to join the ranks of the employed. Although I am doing my best to pick up the slack:

Me writing a letter to my cousins in Boise. As you can see, I REALLY wanted to emphasize the "with" aspect of the letter.

Within a month or so, I fully expect to be proficient and self-sufficient in the writing department. Although I may still need to dictate to mommy, since my typing skills are lagging a bit.

I've also been forging ahead with my exploration into what I thought were brave new realms of solar system-related art:

My latest.

Then, daddy ran up to the attic and showed me what he was drawing when he was 4. The revelation was shocking:

Daddy, age 4.

I detected some vague similarities in the subject matter, but I think it is pretty clear whose is better. First, I've already graduated to colored pencils, while daddy was stuck in the dark ages of 8-color crayon boxes. Second, he exhibits an obsessive need to put each planet in its own, cloistered box; everyone knows that planets need to run free. Third, where's the shading? Hello! Everyone knows half of a planet is dark at all times! Not to mention the fact that he has three Saturns and no Uranus or Neptune. What a wanker. Give it up, 4-year-old Daddy. You can't hack it.

However, Daddy has shown some recent proficiency in this:

If the whole law thing doesn't work out...

We've all tried to get out a bit in the last few weeks... before daddy "disappears," as he puts it. First we took in a baseball game:

Ev, the Phillies' bullpen and I simultaneously melted down in the eighth inning. They apparently came back to win it after we left.

But the highlight of the last month was our trip to Ye Olde Renaissance Faire. This place was wild with geeks dressed like dorks, but there were some decent activities for yours truly, including playing in a kazoo band...
\

Paying my respects to the Doggie King...

Playing with these stick doohickies...

And working out some Oedipal tension by swordfighting daddy...

Preschool starts in three LONG weeks. Luckily, I already have a friend who lives next door. And she has a sweet swimming pool, so that's an added bonus. More soon!

2007-08-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, a huge number of relatives poured into Philadelphia for Char the Great's 80th birthday. For the record, it was actually a 320th birthday party for CTG and three other family members. One of the honorees couldn't make it, so I stepped in:

Can you tell which one is the substitute?

The party was quite the intergenerational affair, what with all of the rapidly-aging boomers...

Senility must really be setting in... they can't all look in the same direction, for chrissake!

And the burgeoning Generation X/Y...

But look out-- the young 'uns (i.e. me, Evvy and my cousins from Boise) are crashing your party. You won't be top dog for long... hell, lets just skip over these slackers and move on to us.

Frankly, the actual birthday affair was not the main attraction. With my cousins Andrew, Claire and Mouse staying in Jenkintown, it was one non-stop party. From mealtime...

To the mean streets of J-town (that's me rescuing Mouse from one of those mean streets)...

To the mean couches of J-town...

Oh, and Claire and I got married:

I'm pretty the second-cousin thing is legal in this state. Or at least in the eastern portion of the state. Maybe we should have gone to one of the rural areas to have the ceremony.

Apparently, Daddy and Andrew/Claire/Mouse's mommy had their traditional Boggle showdown after we went to bed. But in a surprise upset, Marge beat them both:

Oh yeah, "mrrrrrow" is a word. What, are you going to challenge me?

Going to my first Philly baseball game tomorrow-- more soon!

2007-08-23T20:14:00.001-07:00

Here's my latest masterpiece, which I'm sending to Gram shortly:

As you can plainly see, it's a picture of Gram in a rocketship taking a tour of the solar system.

2007-08-21T18:26:00.001-07:00

It's been a bit of a traumatic day. First, I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon, and mommy and daddy both promised it would be a no-shot visit. So there I am, getting weighed (still a svelte 29 lbs!), getting an eye exam (looks like I have mommy's eyesight, thank god!), getting poked in the belly. I'm just starting to think maybe the medical profession is not so bad. And then, out come the needles. O, betrayal-- thy name is mommy and daddy! Evie had to get shots too, and daddy suggested that I get mine first so I could show her how to be strong. So I took it like a man. I won't lie, I did cry for about 15 minutes... but it was manly crying.

Then it was Evie's turn. Oh. My. God. The girl giggled through the first shot, cried one second after the second shot, and three seconds after the third. Then giggled some more. Something is seriously wrong here. First, I'm the man here. If I cried 15 minutes, she should have cried for at least 15 hours. Second, does she have no pain sensations whatsoever? She should have been pissed as hell, and instead she was laughing. Sheesh.

When we got home, we were greeted by this appalling scene:

Daisy and Cute Cat were gone. Vanished. Suspicion quickly turned to one prime suspect:

In the past, this man has consumed multiple goods that would, taken individually, kill a lesser life form: a rubber nipple, ant poison, a rusted battery, several large blocks of chocolate, ladies' underwear (not the edible version), and a tube of Desitin(TM) diaper rash cream. Two hermit crabs seemed well within the realm of possibility. I could easily picture Monty, driven insane with jealousy after being supplanted as the favorite family pet by two glorified insects, deciding in his pea brain that it would be a great idea to get revenge and crab legs supreme, all in two bites.

Luckily, it turns out that neither Monty nor Daisy and Cute Cat are that stupid. Daddy discovered Daisy cowering (does a hermit crab do anything but cower?) under my bed and Cute Cat cowering under my end table.

The situation has been remedied:

I can now go to sleep without gruesome visions of Monty masticating two poor, defenseless hermit crabs. I hope you guys can rest easy as well.

2007-08-18T13:06:00.001-07:00

OK, so I think we'll finally be caught up after this post. Last week, we drove down to Avalon, NJ to stay with Uncle Wren and Tara. I spent a lot of the time chilling in the pool, working on my tan and getting some great pin shots to send to the modeling agency I'm working with:

This one will be for the billboard ad campaign for my new scent, "Emaciation." Hey, at least I weigh more than some models out there...

Naturally, you can't go to the Jersey shore without spending some time at the beach:

We made a sand castle. I drove cars into the sand castle and into the moat around the castle. There was a secret passage as well, which this picture just does not do justice to. It was pretty sweet. I assume it's still there, so you guys should be sure to visit it if you're ever in Avalon.

I also went in the ocean.... mostly to get water for the moat (but the sun dried it up):

We went on a bike ride, too. That's me and Evie in the sweet yellow trailer behind Daddy.

Daddy's bike riding was second to none, and I took care of Evie in the trailer and made sure that she didn't cry. When we first got her in, she cried.

Then she got over it, thanks to my comforting arms:

But the highlight of the trip to the beach was when I sweet-talked mom and dad into getting two hermit crabs:

I named them Cute Cat and Daisy. As you can tell, they have the personalities to match their names.

(As a side note, Mommy wanted to name one of them "The Claw." Also, I caught Daddy made some snide remarks about the astronomical mortality rate of hermit crabs purchased by kids at the Jersey Shore. I ignored both comments.)

After we got back, we went to the pet store to get them a bigger cage (an aquarium, actually).

As you can tell, Cute Cat is much happier now.

Now that we are officially back home with no other vacations in sight, Mommy has gone on a home improvement rampage. I won't go into all of the gory details, but here is a representative picture of Mommy felling a large tree in our front yard:

That's all for now. I will try to be more timely in future posts, now that my editor's life is conflict-free for the foreseeable future.

Love,
Eli

2007-08-13T12:51:00.001-07:00

When we left off, I was showing you pictures of my family and I moving to Jenkintown. But we didn't stay there long! Daddy needed some time to study, so Mommy, Evelyn and I piled into the Green Machine and drove to visit my friend Gram, who just moved from Charlottesville to Michigan.

Here's Gram and me going to Mushroom Park. That's Gram's dad. He's a good pusher, but not nearly as good as my daddy. It's all in the wrists.

After we stayed in Michigan for a few days, we got on an airplane and flew to Minnesota. This was Evie's (note the correct spelling mommy-- she's not Ewy anymore) first time ever flying on an airplane. She did very well, particularly with her human seatbelt. It's standard on all of the new aircraft:

We visited my cousin Sydney. She got to meet Evelyn for the first time.

She was at her grandma and grandpa's, but she left and came back and left and came back. (It's hard to quit me and Evelyn.) And soon we left.

We flew back to Michigan and then drove the Green Machine back to Jenkintown. I was a big help to mommy during the drive. I helped by telling mommy if Evelyn cried in the back seat. She didn't cry very much, though. I mean, she had me to look at for hours on end. What's there to cry about?

As soon as we got back, Mommy and Daddy went to Hawaii. The main purpose of their trip was to get me a stuffed animal backpack, which I named "Hawaii."

I'd like to put up a bunch of mommy and daddy's vacation photos, but I've been informed that they will make some of their friends jealous. I do have permission to put up this one, which is apparently fairly representative of how they spent their trip:

As soon as Mommy and Daddy got back, we started painting Daddy's office. I started things off painting my name (I'm trying to develop a graffiti tag-- it's a Philly thing, I've been told).

Then we switched to yellow paint, which made both of us grimace for some reason. Maybe the yellow made us have to pee!

Enough clowning around. It was time to get to work painting:

We finished the room. It's red and yellow (the red is on the other side). Sort of like McDonalds (speaking of Grimace)...

I've been told that since I live in a big city now (OK, a nice, safe suburb of a big city, but who's keeping track?) I need to develop some hipster cred:

The fire truck PJ's sort of ruin the image, but imagine they're leather for a second.

A few weeks ago, we all went to a swank bowling alley in downtown Philly. Talk about a hip family...

I bowled for me and Evelyn. I beat Mommy in one round. Watch out Dad, I'm coming for you.

Since we've been in Jenkintown, I've also taken up frisbee. Daddy was very insistent that I put several of these pictures on the blog. He wanted me to point out to several of his ultimate frisbee friends my superb form. He also wanted me to point out that this is powerful proof of genetics.

Good wind-up...

Powerful release...

Textbook pancake catching form...

I would be remiss to post without mentioning the bond between me and my baby sister. He's us taking a bath together. We're having a nice time.

OK, I'm having a nice time...

Here we are lying on the bed. You can see the resemblance:

Particularly from this end:

Next time, I promise I'll bring everyone up to date with pictures from the beach in New Jersey this past week. It's a long process, catching up. Thanks for your patience!

2007-07-07T08:59:00.001-07:00

Daddy's been taking some big test, so without an editor I've been unable to update the ol' blog in way too long. I have a ton of pictures to post, so let's get to it. It seems like forever, but only two months ago we moved into our little flat in Jenkintown. Daddy was on the ball and took a few "before" pictures:

Our living room.

My room. Lots of space to lay Thomas tracks!

Grandma Nene and Grandpa Don helped us move in. Here we all are on my sweet new bed:

Grandma Nene and I did some serious weeding:

(I'm doing my scary rabbit imitation to scare off the bunnies that have taken up residence in our yard.)

One day we took a break from the grunt work to take the train into downtown Philadelphia:

As you can tell, I was damn excited:

They don't have slums like this in Charlottesville!

We joined the hordes of tourists to see the Liberty Bell. It has a big crack, which daddy wouldn't let me touch.

Then we took a boat across the Delaware River to beautiful New Jersey.

Philly looks really nice from over here. Especially compared to New Jersey.

Then we split a cheesesteak. So delicious. It's enough to make you actually want to eat without constantly being berated by your parents...

All of our neighbors have swimming pools, so I told daddy we had to keep up with the Joneses. So we did, and I helped us install it:

Those who lived near us in Charlottesville will be glad to know that despite the unfamiliar surroundings, our cat Marge still leads us on our walks:

That brings us up to early July. Next installment of pictures, coming soon!

2007-07-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone-- new joke!

Q: Why did the baby have blood coming out of its head?
A: Because it feel down and hurt itself!

ZING!

Pictures are coming up soon. Oh so soon.

2007-06-24T08:11:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone. The day of reckoning is here. I just found out that daddy has been writing for me for the past 4 years, and I've decided enough is enough. I'm old enough to do the writing myself. For real. This is actually Eli talking now, not some phony.

I really miss everyone in Charlottesville a lot, but we'll get to see Pennsylvania people more now that I live in Jenkintown. Our new house is pretty. I'll send some pictures once we get all unpacked. Grandma Nene and Grandpa Don visited us this past week. Grandma cleaned and did the gardening and Grandpa built our tables.

Most importantly, I want to share some jokes that I made up all by myself (really):

Q: Why did the baby drive the car?
A: Because it wanted to get more bottles!

Q: Why did the people go to the store bringing their house?
A: Because they wanted to live near the store so they could walk to the store!

Q: What did the baby drive the car and the kid sit in the front seat while the grown-ups sat in the back?
A: Because they wanted to try new things they had never done before!

I hope you enjoy these 100% original jokes and pass them on to all of your friends. And anyone whose e-mail address you happen to have. They'll love you for it.

(OK, so maybe dad is helping me out a little bit. But he does get my complete approval before he types anything. And the jokes really are mine.)

Please come up here and look at our new house when it's finished!

Love,
Eli (and Andrea and Josh and Evelyn and Margie and Monty)

2007-06-13T17:51:00.000-07:00

I had the following conversation yesterday:

Me: Mommy, I want to have ten baby sisters!
Mommy: Well, I don't think I can be pregnant that much.
Me: Well, maybe Evelyn can start.

2007-06-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

Today was something of a red letter day. The following things took place within a two hour span:

1) Monty ate a leaky AAA battery.
2) We took Marge to the vet to get a shot. The vet left the syringe right in front of me, and I started playing with it and squirting the stuff everywhere. When the vet showed me that it was a needle, I started screaming. The vet calmly explained that I wasn't getting a shot, and it was just for Marge. At which point, I yelled, "Run, Marge! Run!"
3) I dumped an entire bottle of bubble bath into the bathtub. It was an economy-sized bottle, so the water was literally half bubble bath.
4) While mommy was inspecting the ensuing rash, I farted in her face.

Good times. Mayhem is so much more fun when daddy is out of town.

2007-06-07T16:46:00.001-07:00

Mommy's been reading me a science book which sort of explains where people came from. Mommy sort of reads it quickly before bed, so I've been left to fill in the gaps. As I explained to her, there were fish, and then they went onto a beach, and then they turned into reptiles and then monkeys. And then a spaceship came down from outer space and brought people to the planet.

According to dad, I just invented something called "Scientology."

2007-05-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry again about the time lapse between posts. Daddy's been up in Philadelphia, either studying a bar (candy? gold? pull-up?) or going to a bar. Whatever. Bottom line: he hasn't been around, so he's not able to maintain my burgeoning stuffed animal collection while I free up some time to write. Let's cut to the chase: two big things went down in the last three weeks, with lots of pictures to share.

First, our minivan took its maiden voyage out to Minnesota. Unlike the Titanic, the Green Machine (as it has been christened) made it back in one piece, without hitting any icebergs. Our primary purpose was to go to a wedding:

Get me out of these snappy clothes, dammit!

It was much more fun shaking booty on the dance floor all night. They should skip the damn ceremony.

Naturally, we spent most of the rest of our time hanging out by the pool. Despite the fact that I had been in swimming pools hundreds of times before in my life, and had in fact been in this swimming pool half of those times, I decided for the first few days that I was too scared to go in. So I contented myself with such activities as...

Hanging out with other kids, comparing the size of our Cheez Doodles (it's never too early to start!)

Doing my best dad impersonation... (Holy s#!t, he's blind. Can you imagine if someone ripped off his glasses when he was driving??? He'd be screwed!!!)

Our trip coincided with Mother's Day. I was under strict orders to make sure daddy didn't do what he did LAST YEAR (I'll give you a hint: it's the same answer as what our president is doing about global warming). So I orchestrated a new family mother's day tradition: elaborate fruit sculptures. The inaugural project: a watermelon minivan, with fruit family inside it.

OK dad, you put the blueberry arms on the pear like this...

Mission accomplished. That's Evvy the Apricot in the middle seat. If you look closely, you might see the mango car carrier.

Mission double accomplished. Mommy loved it! (Though Evvy fell asleep looking at it. I'll have to tell Daddy to try harder next year.

The highlight of the trip was when Sydney came down to visit. At first I was content to just enhance her swimming experience...

But I was finally coaxed into the pool. At which point I remembered, hey, I like swimming! Duhhhh...

It bears mentioning that Sydney, although not an official member of my immediate family, fits in perfectly. As you can see, we get very good cell phone reception as a result:

Next big event was daddy's graduation. Family was out in force:

Me and the boyz.

Me and the sis.

I basically became the youngest graduate in UVA Law history that day when I received my rolled-up-paper telescope with the rest of the people in black robes. But before I could do that, I listened attentively to the inspiring graduation speaker, What's-Her-Name, tell us to, y'know, do it up:

Hey lady at the podium! Where's my dumb hat?

And then it was my time to shine. It's best to give you the freeze frame effect:

The approach...

The awkward handshake attempt...

Handoff attempt #1: Not For Daddy.

Handoff Attempt #2: Yep, That's For Me.

Telescope secure.

And success! The handoff is complete!

And no blog post would be complete without the Philadelphia Chicken, which made a surprise appearance at the law school pre-graduation reception:

Another big event was the pre-Philly-move garage sale we had last weekend:

Mommy's selling this awesome rug??? But it's perfect for standing on!

I had a hard time parting with any of my precious precious toys, though I did end up purchasing some new (old) toys from our neighbors who were collaborating on the sale.

And lastly, some sad news to report: I had my very last day of Molly Michie preschool last Friday. Here I am saying goodbye to my teacher:

More than anything, I'm really going to miss my friends. They've taught me about life, love, sharing, and (most importantly), potty talk. Here's a conversation I had with mommy as she picked me up from a play date at my friend Nate's house:
Me: We had a chicken diaper sandwich and a poopy diaper sandwich and a poop sandwich!
Mommy (thinking she's all down with my peeps): What about a fart sandwich?
Me: Mommy, you can't have a fart sandwich. A fart is just a sound that comes out of your butt. You would just have two pieces of bread.

On that note, I'll see y'all in Philly! (Wait, I guess I'll see youse guys in Philly. Sorry... it's going to take some getting used to...)

2007-05-04T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'm back, don't worry. A few new things since last month. First and foremost, we have a new car! If you were looking to get a piece of the old car, you're too late-- it sold on Craig's List within a day. That didn't leave me much time to mourn:

Adios, Silverado. We hardly knew ye.

Yes, Silverado was a great car, but it committed the fatal sin of not seating eight people. We went car shopping for a few weeks, and I picked out a sweet muscle machine:

Whooo! Chicks dig the low MPG on this baby! Burn the fossil fuels, baby, burn!

In the end, mom got her way, and now we have a minivan:

Nice. And check out the soccer medal I'm flashing. Guess who successfully completed the YMCA youth soccer program? This guy. That's right--I participated. I'm The Participator. (And mom is now officially in the Minivan-Driving Soccer Mom demographic.)

Dad experienced some angst:

OK, so what part of "You've been an old fogey parent for over four years, so it's really no big deal that you're now driving a minivan" don't you get? Yeesh.

I also made a return visit to the new house, this time with mom in tow.

She got it inspected. She's The Inspector.

While part of me is excited about moving to Philly (though I still haven't seen the Chickens yet and I am beginning to get suspicious), the rest of me is quite morose about leaving Charlottesville. I've been trying to spend some extra time enjoying my favorite people and places before we leave:

Olive time with my BFF, Gram. He ate them. I didn't. (A week ago, I also told mom and dad, "I wish I didn't have to eat." Male anorexia, here I come!!!)

Picnic time with me, Evelyn, and the white houses.

Train time with me and my massive Thomas the Tank engine collection. (Mom and dad assure me that I get to take them with me, but then, they also assured me that I would be staying in Charlottesville forever. OK, they didn't say that. But still, I don't trust them.)

Lastly, I've been fighting through some school troubles in the last few weeks. One of my classmates flagrantly stole my chair at snacktime, so I picked up a block and clocked him in the head. Frankly, I thought I was well within my rights at the time. And I think once upon a time, such vigilante justice would have been looked upon favorably. But there's apparently been a major call for stringent block control laws in the last few years. So I've been banned from the blocks for the next few weeks. However, you'll be glad to know that I am now on the path to redemption and rehabilitation thanks to a new rewards program instituted by mom and dad. Also, I've been getting some looks from the 5-day girls in the last few days, and they apparently like sensitive guys, not the angry, block-clocking type.

2007-04-07T05:40:00.000-07:00

I've been doing my best so far to be a caring big brother. For example, Evvy was being crabby yesterday morning, so I told her: "Evvy, don't cry. My pajamas have stripes on them. You like stripes, don't you?"

I think that really calmed her down.

You wouldn't know it from my little sister's blog, but a lot's been going on that doesn't necessarily involve my baby sister. I've done some rocking out in the last few weeks. First, mom and dad took me to see an outdoor Ben Folds concert as part of an effort to be the "cool" parents:

Here we are, chilling with all of the college kids. Dad looked, uh, wistful...

Dad carried me on his shoulders up to the mosh pit for a few songs. Just as I was starting to get into the piano pop vibe when Ben started playing a song called (from what I could understand) "Beaches Ain't Sheet." I was suddenly whisked back to where mom and Evvy were sitting, with Dad's hands clamped heavily over my head. About 50 college kids laughed at us and made some comment involving earmuffs. I'm not quite sure what happened there, but apparently dad doesn't want me hearing about beaches. I'm assuming it has something to do with rising sea levels due to global warming (I watched Inconvenient Truth with mom and dad the other day).

Back in the peanut gallery, I couldn't hear the music as well, so I spent my time introducing myself to random, childless strangers:

These people seemed really nice, whoever they are.

Next, we went to see this family kids' group called Laughing Pizza. You've probably never heard of them, but they're apparently about to hit the big time (filling the void for cloying kids music left by the departure of the Yellow Wiggle). Naturally, I got my picture taken with them so I could say I knew them and picked my nose with them way back when:

Speaking of rocking out, a number of my readers were confused about the Philadelphia Chickens. Well, I still haven't figured out how to load up awesome songs onto the blog, but my grandpa did give me an actual Philadelphia Chicken:

It turns out that rather than engaging in swing-dancing escapades, they're actually quite docile at night.

When the weather is warm, I've been doing your typical 4-year old stuff (esp with my good friend Rachel):

Swinging...

Surfing...

And drawing carrot trees guarded by demonic pregnant rabbits.

Lastly, I got to spend Easter with Pakei and my cousin Sydney, which is hands-down the best way to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. The festivities included:

Egg-dying with Sydney...

Egg-smashing with grandpa...

And the annual "Where's Eli?" easter egg hunt.

Seriously, snacks and prizes for anyone who can spot me in this picture. I'll give you a hint: red fire engine boots.

2007-03-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

Big news! We're buying a house in a little town outside Philadelphia called Jenkintown. Someone lives in the house, but I've been told that there will still be space for all of us. Dad, Grandma and I drove up there through the sleet and ice last week to look at it. This is what it looks like from the front:

I realize it's not too impressive, but wait until you see what's inside:

That's right. This house COMES WITH TOYS. I was sold. Dad seemed more interested in the schools, but whatever. Who cares about THAT? Toys!!!! Maybe the people who live in the house can play with me.
(Sadly, I did not see the Philadelphia Chickens during my trip up there. Dad told me they only come out at night, and that they were even less likely to make an appearance in bad weather. If you do not know what the Philadelphia Chickens are, you seriously need to be listening to the music I'm listening to. I'm sure it's on iTunes if you're really curious.)

Our departure from Charlottesville may be imminent, but that hasn't stopped us from trying to beautify the place before we leave. Yesterday, dad and I planted two trees in our back yard. Dad said this was part of our effort to be carbon-neutral, whatever that means:

In any event, we didn't wind up dirt-neutral.

I'll admit, I"ve been suffering a bit in the attention department. But I have my own ways of getting people to notice. Check out my stunning new pedicure:

Here's a close up just in case you couldn't see:

And I've discovered a new talent:

Dad couldn't do this... he said something about his nose being too jewy.

2007-03-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing I have learned in my brief experience as a big brother, it's that babies are fun to poke:

Nyent nyent nyent.

Life's good so far. Grandma Lisa has been around to make me feel special for a few more days. By the time she leaves, I'm confident that everyone will have gotten over Evelyn and I'll go back to being top dog around here.

2007-03-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

So I finally got to meet my baby sister, and man am I stoked! She's not much of a conversationalist, but she makes up for it in sheer adorableness:

Awww....

Woodja-woodja-woodja...

Oh, and she gave me a present too. Since she doesn't get an allowance yet, I'm not sure how she afforded it:

Don't worry, they aren't real bees in the hive. I suppose they're also not susceptible to the real bee disease that's been going around...

I'm not sure what THIS is all about:

She's WHAT? Eating??? I thought you had to be four years old before you start EATING!!!!!!

2007-03-10T07:25:00.000-08:00

I've heard the rumors-- I'm a big brother now. Apparently Evelyn nabbed an exclusive on all of the birth pictures, so I'll have to get her back on that one. I'm meeting her this afternoon, so stay posted!

2007-03-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

Exciting things are happening. I just got dumped off on the neighbors for the foreseeable future, so I'm sort of in the dark. I recommend you check my sister's blog for up-to-the-minute reports.

2007-03-04T17:24:00.000-08:00

I wrote my first ever book this week, and I'd like to share it with you before all of the attention shifts away from me. It's a real thriller. A real page turner. I real... well, here it is in eBook format:

Page 1: The title. (It's the scribbles above the byline)

Page 2: This is Abby and Ceci, from preschool.

Page 3: Abby and Ceci start eating people. (If you don't understand this, just follow along with the text on the right side of the page)

Page 4: Abby and Ceci eat MORE people. (You can see them inside their bellies)

Page 5: Ceci poops!

Page 6: Abby and Ceci then eat MORE and MORE people.

Page 7: Abby and Ceci then eat even MORE people. The end.

If I don't get a Caldecott Award for this, I'm filing a lawsuit.

2007-02-19T17:12:00.000-08:00

I've been taking swim lessons again, and I'm pretty happy with the results. I had the following conversation with mommy after the latest:
Me: I was the fastest swimmer in the pool.
Mommy: Really? Good job!
Me: The other boys were the slowest. (pause) I'll go make myself a ribbon.

Here's my ribbon. #1! #1! Whoooooooo!!!

Swimming hasn't been my only opportunity to flex my manliness. Yesterday, Gram and I went out looking for some beaver:

We struck out on the beaver, and it was a dam shame. Dam it all, beavers. Dam it all.

Having failed to procure beaver, we went sledding on our butts instead.

Still fairly manly...

Lastly, Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Dick paid us a surprise visit this past weekend. I explained to them that while they were here, they should be aware that there are nine planets and that they all orbit around the sun.

(And showed them how to fly an airplane)

2007-02-14T18:08:00.000-08:00

I composed my first piece of music the other day. It's to the tune of "50 Nifty United States"...

Oops... forgot to put the tempo at the beginning. You should play this one "adagio."

2007-02-09T20:47:00.000-08:00

OK, swallowing the laptop worked... Evelyn's blog is now online. The link is over on the right, but if you don't know your right from your left you can just click here.

2007-02-08T17:29:00.001-08:00

As promised, here is the photographic history of my 4th birthday extravaganza. First things first, get a load of the sweet-ass solar system cake that mommy whipped up:

Yep, Saturn's rings are made out of a squished fruit roll-up(TM). Good eye, reader!

It was almost tragic having to cut this masterpiece. Almost.

I demanded Earth. It was delicious. Warm and delicious.

Then my harem helped me open presents:

Unbelievable! ANOTHER solar system-themed gift! How did you ladies know?

Speaking of presents, thanks to everyone who showed they cared. My administrative assistant/mom will be getting out thank-you notes shortly, so hold your horses. The following pictures are merely a sampling-- just because your present didn't show up doesn't mean it wasn't my favorite.

I'll soon be following in Grandpa Paul's footsteps as the slide projector master of the Kaplowitz clan.

Here's my best Lloyd Dobler impersonation. I think the telescope is blasting "In Your Eye."

What? It's not about planets? What does Groundhog Day have to do with me anyway?

This one needs no explanation.

Speaking of which, the little sis is more and more imminent by the day. There has been no small measure of conflict in the house over her name. Mommy and daddy have cast their vote for Evelyn, while I'm holding strong for Eve (after a cute girl at my school, natch). Marge has consistently and shrilly supported Mrrrrrow and Monty seems to prefer Snorrrrrrrrrnk. Essentially, all I need is one more vote for Eve and I can tie this thing up and send it into overtime. Unfortunately, the swing vote is in mommy's ever-increasing belly.

Speaking of which, I have wedded my obsession with the planets and my obsession with the forthcoming sister by nicknaming mommy Big Jupiter. My nickname is Little Earth. I told daddy he can be Big Uranus. He protested, but I'm not sure why. Uranus is beautiful!

One last note-- I've finally moved on from my previous career goal of becoming a policeman. I now want to be an astronaut when I grow up. Daddy tells me this is a great time to be an astronaut, as long as I stay away from the astronaut ladies. I'm not sure what he meant by that.

Mother Nature provided me with the best birthday present of all this week-- actual real snow. I made the most of the morning that it stayed on the ground.

Daddy tells me this I shouldn't post this picture because it is highly misleading. Again, not sure what he means. Daddy sure is cryptic!

Me sledding with some of the big boys in the 'hood. Daddy was at school all morning.

When daddy got home, there was just enough snow for us to make a midget snowman. You can tell the resemblance, right?

I've been informed that mommy swallowed a laptop the other day, and apparently a rival blog will be coming out shortly. I've also been informed that I better link to said blog-- or else.

2007-02-02T06:33:00.000-08:00

WHOOOOOO!!!!! I'm 4 years old today!!!!!!!!!!! Everything is different now!

Pictures to come. I just wanted to get this out there.

2007-01-23T05:16:00.000-08:00

Dad made a startling admission about his past, which resulted in the following conversation:
Dad: You know, Eli, when I was your age, I was so obsessed with the planets that I dressed up as Saturn for Halloween.
Me: Oh...
Dad: I had Grandma Lisa make me the costume. I think she wished I would just dress as something normal.
Me: Yeah, like Uranus!

I then proceeded to map out what my Halloween costumes would be for the next nine years. Eleven if you count Planet X and the asteroids.

2007-01-04T14:24:00.000-08:00

It's been a rough last few weeks for me, which partly explains my recent absence from this space. I've been flexing my tantrumic (tantric?) muscles with mom and dad, trying to show them that despite the impending new arrival, I'm still the real baby of the family. The best was when I drew a giant E (with about 23 horizontal lines) with red marker on the kitchen wall. Unfortunately, mom scrubbed off my masterwork before dad had a chance to photograph it and immortalize it for posterity.

My statements have not been without cost. In particular, my refusal to eat in a timely fashion has resulted in a fairly humiliating form of punishment in the form of a return to the high chair:

Well this kind of sucks.
Additionally, mom and dad have threatened to inform the Minister of Birthdays of my recent streak of badness. Apparently, he decides who gets to turn four and who has to go back to being two years old. They could mean business.

But it hasn't been all bad. In light of my foray into mural-drawing, dad took me to the local art museum, where I stroked my chin thoughtfully:

I really like this artist's magnificent use of chiarascurro. It's very similar to my use of Cheerios.

Soon after this picture was taken, I got bitched out by a cranky old museum guard for touching a rope cordoning off one of the exhibits. What a jagoff. No wonder my generation hasn't developed an appreciation for the fine arts with that attitude.

I also fed my new obsession with the planets by taking a field trip to the local observatory to look in a giant telescope. I was really hoping to see the planet Earth, but I had to settle for some stars in a constellation that was named after me-- Orion, fools. As in, Elijah Orion.

Dammit, where's Earth? Can we get some focus here???

In other good news, the threat of global warming just ended today with the first snow of the year. I quickly rushed out to join some of the neighborhood thugs as we chucked snowballs up to seven feet in the direction of peoples' houses:

It's how we roll...

The best was when dad took me sledding. After being scared crapless on the toboggan a mere 12 months ago, I couldn't get enough of the local slopes this time around:

Whoo hoo!!!! Not bad for a kid who may be about to turn two...

2007-01-02T11:32:00.000-08:00

Happy new year! I think daddy's resolution is to keep me on a tighter leash this year:

2006-12-30T17:54:00.000-08:00

Shhh... don't tell mommy I'm writing this-- I'm supposed to be in bed, but I'm just too excited about my first-ever sleepover. Gram and I have had a kick-ass time so far. In addition to the usual cars, trucks, trains and torture (of the pets), we got to make a pizza...

...make clown ice cream sundaes...

...and get into our PJs (notice the black and green ones that are soft like Margie) and tell our deepest, darkest secrets through our anthropomorphic stuffed animals...

Like any good sleepover, the best part comes after mommy and daddy think we're asleep. That's when I called for the pillow fight. Awwww yee-ah.

2006-12-29T13:05:00.000-08:00

I have lots of questions about the facts of life as they relate to my impending sister, which mommy is very accommodating about answering. For example:

Me: Why are people born small and get big?
Mommy: Well, it would be pretty hard for mommies to have babies in their bellies if they started out big.
Me: Yeah, if they're as big as daddy their heads and arms would stick right out of your vagina. (waves arms for effect)

2006-12-27T08:18:00.000-08:00

So I'm actually starting to read now. Y'know, phonics and all that. This is a huge breakthrough, and it's really opened up my mind to some of the world's great literature:

Dog has on a rag hat indeed...

While I'm at it, here's a portrait I drew of my family in a cross-section of daddy's car:

Yes, I realize it's not very safe driving in a bisected car. But look-- I'm in my carseat in the back, so I'm safe.

2006-12-26T16:07:00.000-08:00

Christmas day started on an ominous note, with a beast of a fever. But my illness was cured by the greatest panacea known to modern medicine: sweet-ass presents. I was good this year, and Santa was good to me:

I can now ring up all of your Dora-related purchases.

My barn door is open! Nyuk nyuk nyuk...

The piece de resistence-- my own fake kitchen. I heard Santa yelling for a couple of hours last night about which pieces fit into which... I guess he must have had his reindeer help assemble it in my living room.

Of course, it wasn't all about the getting. I gave my mom this killer plate that I helped design:

Check it out! Triangles are my favorite shape.

Here's the whole motley Christmas crew. We did it up pretty well for a bunch of (mostly) lapsed Jews:

I'm just about recovered from my ailment, which kept me lounging around the house in the same pair of pajamas (the ones that are soft like Margie) for three days. I'm almost at 100%, although a few more presents might put me over the top.

2006-12-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

I realize that the big payoff is tonight when Santa climbs into our gas-powered fireplace with my loot. But there's been plenty of Christmas spirit in the last few days. First, I made the obligatory trip to visit Santa, whose "listening tour" (just like our prez) took him to C-ville. After letting him know that I want a kitchen, a barn and a veterinarian kit, I instructed Santa to kiss Splashie:

Kiss him! Right on his big ol' whale lips!

Then we all gathered in for a group picture:

Santa asked mommy to sit on his other knee. I think he got kind of pissed off after mommy declined. Sort of understandable... I mean, weeks on tour without the loving touch of Mrs. Claus can make a man ask for things he might not otherwise ask for. And besides, everyone's asking so much of him this time of year. He probably wants to get a little back.

Perhaps more in the true spirit of Christmas was the great gingerbread house decoration of 2006. This monumental project is best portrayed in before/after format:

...and...

After that, everyone left our house. And it was up to me to do the cleanup work:

It's a hard job, but somebody has to do it.

2006-12-24T10:24:00.001-08:00

I had my last day of preschool for 2006 this past Wednesday, which means three weeks without the love of my life. This is a serious crush. I always make sure I sit next to her at snack time and circle time, and have been known to throw a tantrum if one of my rivals gets to that coveted seat first. I'll call her "Jane" here in case she reads this blog and gets all creeped out. Anyway, at the beginning of last week I decided I wanted to do something holiday spirited for her:

Me: Mom, can I give a Christmas gift to Jane?
Mom: Sure, we can give Jane a Christmas gift.
Me: And I also want to make her a Valentine.
Mom: Well, It's not really time for Valentine's Day yet.
Me: But... I love her.

Your "save-the-date" cards should be coming in the mail shortly.

2006-12-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

US State Capitals

OK, it's so on between me and this kid. Wherever you are, I challenge you to a capital-off-- WITHOUT the flash cards you're reading off of. And anyway, he doesn't even know the capital of Minnesota. Poser.

2006-12-18T19:24:00.000-08:00

Lest you think this blog has been a bit Jesus-centric for a kid named Eli Kaplowitz, I'll have you know that I've been celebrating my paternal roots as well. I brought home the following masterpiece from preschool:

I think I was trying to write "Just Jew It"...

Although Christmas did have a great big diarrhea attack in our house a few weeks ago, Mom has introduced a token Hebraic tradition to stem the flow:

I give this menorah a solid 4 candles out of 9.

I've also learned some fine Hannukah music which I have been happy to perform for whoever will listen: "Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made it out of play!" (repeat ad nauseum)

2006-12-17T17:09:00.000-08:00

Mommy and I tried to go for a more avant-garde Christmas picture this year-- not sure if it worked artistically:

More enjoyable was the aftermath:

2006-12-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

Mom was cleaning the office yesterday and found the following letter:

What great advice! Especially the part about listening to your family. I'm sure the author of the letter is well-informed on this, since he grew up to be president and all.

2006-12-14T16:14:00.000-08:00

Planets may be the new state capitals, but I certainly will never confuse the two. Dad and I had the following conversation this afternoon:

Dad: Eli, what's the capital of Saturn?
Me: (laughing) Saturn doesn't HAVE a capital.
Dad: Really? Why not?
Me: Because it doesn't have a star on it!

Good luck trying to pull one over on Eli.

2006-12-11T19:48:00.000-08:00

Finally, the eagerly-awaited Thanksgiving pictures. There were a number of good ones, but I'll focus on the highlights-- our inexplicable trip from one zoo (grandma and grandpa's house) to another zoo.

In an effort to combat global warming (note the t-shirts), we took public transportation:

Once at the zoo, we blended in nicely...

Please don't feed us, ladies and gentlemen.

The best part by far was riding the animals with Andrew and Claire.:

Zoos (and animals) are so much more visitor-friendly than I remembered back in the day.

Of course, not all of the critters were so accommodating. I let these otters know what I thought of their uncooperativeness:

Perhaps my gesture would have been more suited for the bird house... ha ha ha.

Before we left, we had a summit to determine what we were going to have for dinner that night:

It's nice to know that my generation sees eye-to-eye on these matters...

We also visited the Air and Space Museum, which promptly touched off a new obsession to replace the 50 states: the planets! I've spent the last few days scattering the house with various celestial bodies:

Here's Earth and Pluto. Pluto is the red one.

Lastly, I've been dealing with a bit of a winter health crisis-- the irrepressible urge to wipe my shnozz with my sleeve. The habit has resulted in some battle scars:

No, I'm not blushing.

Mom's solution has been to threaten me with putting lotion on my face if she catches me in mid-wipe. I have her fooled, though. I do all of my wiping while turned away from her. She still hasn't figured it out yet... sucker! I hope she doesn't read this blog or the jig is up.

2006-12-09T06:09:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I have driven Monty to the sauce.

Yesterday, a bottle of Maker's Mark on top of our fridge tipped over and spilled about 1/4 of its contents onto the floor, where, unbeknownst to us, Monty eagerly lapped it up. I first noticed something was wrong when Monty was much more compliant in my usual torture. Also, he was walking sideways and smelled like whiskey.

Monty sobered up after puking a few times. The bottle was secured, so there was no rallying after the booting occurred. All in all, a good lesson about the dangers of canine alcohol abuse.

We're getting the camera back today, so the blog will shortly be returning to full color.

2006-12-06T19:03:00.000-08:00

I heard daddy come home and go up to his office to drop off his school stuff. Then the following exchange:

Mom: Go upstairs, Daddy's dying to see you.
Me: (running upstairs) Daddy, are you dying?

It turns out he's not dying, which makes me wonder why mommy lies to me all of the time.

2006-12-03T16:48:00.000-08:00

Still no camera yet, so hold your horses on Thanksgiving pictures. I just wanted to let everyone know that if they've been victimized by (or merely witnessed) bad behavior by yours truly, you will be happy to find out that I've decided to do penance. I've decided that whenever I don't share or throw a tantrum, I need to eat something called paskiskos. It's a mix of apples, pears, bananas, mushrooms, salt and pepper. Mommy made me some paskiskos, which I gobbled up (except for the mushrooms). It's like a delicious version of the cat-o-nine-tails.

2006-11-27T16:10:00.000-08:00

I'm just starting to learn the concept of the practical joke. This evening, I called Daddy into the bathroom while I was taking a bath:

Me: Daddy, do you want to play a game?
Daddy: What game?
Me: It's called "Get Wet" (splashes Daddy)

What a sucker.

Love,
Eli

PS: Thanksgiving pictures will be a little late this year. Daddy left his camera at Grandpa's house. It's no coincidence that he fell hard for my prank.

2006-11-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

The word of the day is "blocks." As the weather has gotten colder, I've turned my attention to my most recent pursuit: architecture. I find that my designs have maximum effect when I place them in a location so as to cause maximum inconvenience to other occupants of the house. This way, my art cannot be ignored!

This is the basic McMansion With Yacht model.

This is my new urbanist community, complete with rapid transit access. (Only available on the Island of Sodor.)

My constructions were getting so elaborate that I needed to hire a partner to help out.

Now Mommy's caught block fever as well. She spent the last few weeks in the garage drilling holes in glass blocks, stuffing lights in them, and tying ribbons around them. Then she dragged me out on a cold day to sell them:

It was a light day for block sales, but several people tried to purchase me. Go figure.

Later that week, I was somewhat disturbed to discover that a local restuarant had stolen some of mommy's glass blocks to use as windows. My exact words were, "What are those glass block lamps doing in that wall?"

In all seriousness, the blocks make great gifts... for the loved one who has everything. Place your orders at blockheadlights@gmail.com! I was not paid for this shameless plug!

2006-11-09T18:10:00.000-08:00

Time for the annual Halloween recap. I was an orange blob this year:

I found that I bagged a lot more loot when I impersonated a pumpkin who is also a big Gene Simmons fan.

Trick-or-treating was fun, but the highlight was costume day at preschool:

I took the award for "Most Orange Costume"...

I didn't quite understand mommy and daddy's costume, but apparently something bad just happened to the people they went as. That doesn't bode well for mommy and daddy:

I think the guy on the left is now known as Fed-Ex...

In other news, daddy's been playing this awesome game with me. He hides words around the house, and I have to find them and read them. If I can read them all, I get a star. Five stars and I get to purchase the adult magazine of my choice. Or a book from the kids' section of Barnes and Noble. One of those, I forget.

Here's me with one of my hauls of words:

As you can tell, my vocabulary is expanding exponentially. I've got the pirate arrrrrr sound down pat.

2006-10-30T14:10:00.000-08:00

It's official-- I'm having a baby sister! Who-hoo! Here's the incontrovertable proof, somehow gathered by squirting goo on mommy's belly and getting jabbed with a cattle prod:

As you can see, there is a distinct lack of kibbles and bits in the "bottom" area. That's how you know it's a baby sister.

Here's mommy getting creamed up and jabbed. Luckily, the TV show that was playing during her exam was riveting...

You can tell she's another precocious Kaplowitz, because she's already talking to me (see bottom of picture):

I can't wait to start picking on her. Good times, good times.

2006-10-24T17:40:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a bit lately, mostly just three and four letter words. And no, if you happen to be one of daddy's male friends, please do not get any ideas. (Daddy told me to write that-- not sure what he means exactly.)

2006-10-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

Fall has finally arrived, and with it the permanent end to the specter of global warming. (I knew the president's environmental policies were working!)

First things first, we had to carve the ol' pumpkin. I went with a self-portrait this year:

Uncanny, no?

Now that the weather has gotten colder, I've had to move some of my favorite summer activities indoors. Luckily, this picnic was just as delicious in our bedroom:

It contains food from each of the four plastic food groups!

With the wind kicking up, this past Sunday was the perfect day to fly kites...

...until about 3 seconds later...

While I may not be a natural kite-flyer, I do have photographic evidence that talent is genetic:

2006-10-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

Mommy put this sign in our front yard the other day:

You can understand why I look pretty upset. As far as I can tell, there are two ways to interpret it. Either mommy is already trying to oppress me as the oldest child, even before my baby brother/sister is born... or she doesn't want me to go pee anymore. Either way, I am very disturbed.

In other news, my war on Monty continues. My latest strategy is making sure that he can't even move in the first place. It's a preemptive strike, which should work out really well, as anyone who has followed global events in the past five years can attest:

Monty greeted me as a liberator.

2006-10-18T16:12:00.001-07:00

I had an adventure with Mommy's makeup today that went sadly unphotographed. My comment after I was discovered with eyeliner across my face and stripes on the dog: "I didn't know it was going to be so messy"

Speaking of the dog, Monty managed to open up a box of snack-sized chip bags and deposit them around the house while mommy was picking me up at school. Luckily, I had the foresight to impose a permanent solution to this ongoing problem:

Monty will never get past this impenetrable barrier.

2006-09-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

I officially have permission to break the big news: I'm going to be a big brother! No word yet on whether it's a dude or a chick, but I'm pretty stoked to find out. The kid's coming in early March, so luckily I will have exhausted my parents' yearly birthday present budget before then. It's all a bit confusing right now, but as long as I get the same heaping helping of concentrated love and attention as I do right now, I'm sure everything will turn out fine.

I love my unborn baby brother/sister!

I'm going through a big "why" phase now, partly because I really want to know and partly because I can really send my parents over the edge after about ten straight "why"'s. Sometimes, however, this exercise helps me get to the bottom of some serious information that has been hidden from me. Case in point: I get out of the bath the other day and catch mommy looking at pictures of houses on the computer. The conversation goes like this:

Eli: Mommy, what are you looking at?
Mommy: Well, I'm looking at houses.
E: Why are you looking at houses?
M: Uh... we're looking for a new house to live in.
E: Why are we looking for a new house to live in?
M: We need to move somewhere else.
E: (pause) I don't want to move out of this house.
M: But we have to. Daddy needs to find a job after he leaves school.
E: Why does Daddy need to find a job?
M: So he can make money so we can buy food.
E: Why do we need food?
M: Eli, enough with the why's. You know, we get to move to a new state. We'll be living in Pennsylvania!
E: (pause) But I don't want to leave Virginia.
M: Crap.
E: (pause) Will someone else live in this house after we leave?
M: Yes, I think someone will live in this house.
E: I don't want anyone else to live in this house. (pause) I don't want to leave Virginia.

So what's up with this, huh? Leaving Virginia? Leaving the white houses? Was someone going to tell me before the frickin' moving van pulled up next year? In any event, why Pennsylvania? What was up with us spending the summer in Seattle? I promise you, my readers, that I will get some answers on this. Even if it means asking "why"...

Lastly-- my dad has had a rough semester so far, so he has been unable to provide his usual grammatical assistance in the last month or so. I'll try to post more frequently now that he has more time to proofread my material.

2006-08-29T16:35:00.000-07:00

Thin Lizzy said it best: The boys are back in town. Well, just one boy. Me. And I'm pretty sure the "town" wasn't Charlottesville, VA. Actually, let me check on that. Hold on a sec.

Hmm... damn wireless connection... OK... the Internet seems to be saying some conflicting things, but none of them mention Charlottesville. In any event, it's good to be back, even though ironically all it's done is rain since then. It was so much sunnier in Seattle.

Marge and Monty were happy to be back-- I can tell Marge really missed being chased by a three-year old and a pug. And it's been good to see all of my friends again.

I'm starting 3-day preschool this year. I think the number of days a week that you attend school must be correlated with how old you are. This is why I never see daddy when his school's in session. More on school later, once I have more photographic evidence.

Now the most important stuff-- the wrap-up of the Eli Kaplowitz 50 state summer tour. Last time I checked in I was about to brave the wild north woods of Minnesota, where traditional laws regarding the operation of motorized equipment don't apply. Thus, I was able to steer a pontoon boat...

Captain an all-terrain vehicle...

And climb aboard a giant fiberglass fish...

All of that manly exertion deserved a stiff drink with my Uncle Mark. Apparently that's also legal in this strange land...

Cheers, clinky-clinky!

Lest you have any doubt that my geographical fascination has been a passing fad, let me just note that I followed our drive state by state, from Wisconsin (where I visited my guidemother, Lacey)...

Through Illinois, which I don't like because it has lots of traffic...
Through Indiana, which I don't like because it has scary storms...
Through Ohio, which I like because it doesn't storm there...
Through Pennsylvania, where I played shuffleboard at Char the Great's apartment building...

Through New Jersey, where I went to the top of this lighthouse...

Through Delaware, Maryland, Washington, DC, and back to... VIRGINIA! My favoritest place in the whole world. I'm so glad to be home, and I've reminded mommy and daddy of it about five times a day since we've been back, just to make sure they know.

2006-08-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

The grand finale of the Parade of Family and Friends arrived last week when Grandma Lisa and Grandpa Paul came out to Seattle to visit:

I think they just wanted me for my salmon.

During the week, it was up to me (with a little help from mom) to entertain them, since dad was at the office the whole time:

Apparently he's trying to look important here. Whatever.

Last weekend, we all went to the Pacific Ocean, leaving Thursday afternoon and rolling into our lodge around 11pm. I was asleep, so this is all hearsay.

I awoke the next morning to some dramatic scenery, which put me in a bit of a dramatic mood. So I went to the beach to act out some of my favorite movies, including The Little Mermaid...

Cast Away... (I know it looks like "ELI," but I'm half way to "HELP")

The Ten Commandments...

...whereupon I led my family to the promised land of the tidal pools:

Follow me, fellow Jews... (Don't try to get technical on me just cuz I'm blond like my swedish mom)
The tidal pools were not as cool as I had hoped. I was pretty amped up after my swim lessons the week before, but the squishy tentacled things on the bottom of the pools deterred me from taking a dive:

I did meet one kid my age at the lodge where we stayed, but I'm not sure she was that into me. I thought she might want to hang out when I saw her approaching our table in the dining room, but then the conversation when like this:
Me: (running over to her, getting 4 inches from her face, and yelling at the top of my lungs) DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER TO MY TABLE?
Her: (petrified silence)
Me: No? (runs back over to family table) SHE DIDN'T WANT TO SIT AT MY TABLE.

So I have a ways to go in the smoothness department. For some reason, the Charlottesville women seemed to respond better to that line.

Speaking of Charlottesville, I have started the long journey back. Mom and I flew to Minnesota this past Monday (just before they started confiscating apple juice boxes at security-- I got mine in just under the wire!). We're hanging out here until dad comes by to pick us up and take us back home. In the meantime, I've been enjoying the company of Grandma Nene, Grandpa Don, Auntie Mare, and various other cousins. More importantly, mom bought me a house. I know-- a whole freakin' house. It's a small one, so I'll have to shrink a bit before I can live there full-time. But in the meantime, I'm renting it out to some miniature people and keeping them company. Mostly what I do is take all of the furniture in the house, load it into a toy car, and take the car on trips to different states to go hiking and camping. I don't know where I get these role-playing ideas... they just come to me out of nowhere, I guess. In a few days, I'll try to post some pictures of my house... either from mom and dad's camera, or from the realtor's web site.

Until then,
Eli

2006-07-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

We busted out of the hot city last weekend and retreated to the thin air of Mount Wanier, as I tend to call it. The initial plan was for dad to put me on my back and head for the summit:

But after a few miles, it became apparent that as a matter of pride, I needed to do this on foot. So with some help from mom, we trekked through the snow fields...

I've been told to enjoy the snow while I still can...

...and up to the top. Sadly, our camera broke at 13,000 feet, so I can't provide the kind of visual proof that some of my more skeptical readers might demand. But trust me. It was spectacular.

My favorite part of being on the trail is regaling random strangers with stories of my summer in Seattle. Here's someone I've never met before, listening raptly as I give her a Socratic colloquium:

Me: And, and, and, did you know we went on a boat? Yes, we went on a boat. And we went through the locks. And there was this green stuff growing on the sides. On the sides of the locks. And it was green, and it was growing on the sides of the locks. And what was it called?
Random stranger: Uh... algae?
Me: Very good! You got it! Algae!

I think these people really appreciate the knowledge I impart on them, as evidenced by the fact that they are a completely captive audience.

After our descent (and several more tutorials to unsuspecting outdoor enthusiasts), we all had a well-deserved weenie roast:

Mom has instructed me not to accompany this picture with any commentary about my present obsession with weiners.

After dinner, daddy took me to a junior ranger talk where a nice lady told us stories about the native people who lived around Mount Wanier before the wheels of global warming were set in motion. At one point, the ranger was asking everyone what animals (whales, bears, etc) were represented in pieces of native art that she was displaying. Sensing another teachable moment, I volunteered. The conversation went like this:

Ranger: Let's call on the little one. What do you see in this picture?
Me: A totem pole! (laughter)
Ranger: Well, yes, but what animal do you see?
Me: A monkey! (more laughter)

I guess the masses aren't quite ready for my cutting-edge theories about the biodiversity in the Pacific Northwest.
The next day, we scaled back our hiking, taking an easier trial to a waterfall where we soaked our feet in a mountain stream:

Just after this picture was taken, I took off all of my clothes and was about to jump into said stream before mom and dad dissuaded me.

Speaking of water, I spent every morning last two weeks at swim lessons... generally a pretty sweet way to start the day:

I know several of my adult male readers are thinking, "How can I also pretend I don't know how to swim?" I'll be happy to teach you when I get back east.

Grandma Lisa and Grandpa Paul just got into town a few days ago-- more soon about their visit... and everything I'm teaching them while they're out here.

2006-07-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

A heat wave is sweeping through Seattle. Of course, this means the thermometer has broken 80. Not quite the crap most of you are swimming through back east, but still... enough to make me seek relief:

Mmmm.... I'm a big fan. Heh heh heh... c'mon, I'm three. Cut me some slack.

It's the perfect time of year to head to the beach and bum around in the sun. Oh, and take in some of the sweet beach sports that go on around here:

For some reason, daddy was pretty eager to indulge my request to watch this volleyball game. Who knew he was such a big fan?

Two weekends ago, we went up to Muck Island for the day. Just what is Muck Island, you ask? Well, this is us before the muck...

During...

During...

And after...

As you may be able to tell, I wasn't such a big fan of the muck.

This past weekend, Nate and Jenny came up from California to visit me. We rented a boat with Dr. Larry and Ms. Tara and went cruising around the lakes.

We paused briefly so I could moon Bill Gates (sorry, no picture). I then sat with my main squeeze Jenny for the rest of the trip. As you can tell, Nate was getting a bit jealous and decided to take it out on me:

Don't worry, Nate. You're not the first guy whose woman I've stolen (see last week's post). And you won't be the last.

The other big news is that I can now get dressed all by myself:

First the Elmo undies...

Then the race car pants...

No shirt yet-- I prefer to leave it off so I can work on my tan, especially since it's hitting 90 this weekend. Has it gotten that hot back east? I haven't been checking lately, but 90 sounds pretty hot to me.

2006-07-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

Last week, Grandma Nene and Cousin Tommy graced us with their presence. On the bright side, I got some sweet presents and picked idly at some reportedly delicious food. On the flip side, it meant that there were five of us crammed in a small two-bedroom apartment. I got the shortest straw, so I ended up sleeping in mom and dad's closet. (It's agonizing to think that if I had chosen a different straw, I could have had the queen bed and mom and dad would have gotten the closet.) Also, Tommy picked on me like the older brother I'm relieved I never had. I did, however, get some great tips for when it's my turn to be the pissant older brother.

After a day of that, I tried to lure the two of them to the local troll to have them eliminated:

Unfortunately, he was otherwise occupied consuming an entire Volkswagen beetle.

Mom and dad's agenda was somewhat different-- to lure mom's family out to Seattle. The weather helped perpetuate the fraud:

Yeah, this may LOOK nice. But don't be fooled. Hey, maybe we should go check back with the troll...

Far away the pinnacle of the summer was this past weekend, however, when I was chosen (no doubt out of a nationwide pool of applicants) to be the ring-bearer at a local wedding of some schmuck my dad caused trouble with in college. My makeup team got me prepped for this solemn responsibility:

Can you make sure the clip on the tie isn't showing? It's supposed to give the appearance of being a half-windsor knot, you know.

Yes, I was worried about carrying our my essential duties. But my biggest concern was the inevitable fiasco when everyone realized that I was showing up the groom:
Ladies (or men)-- you'll have to wait another 14.5 years for this.

The ceremony went without a hitch, other than the fact that I had a hard time parting with my precious, precious rings. It is fitting that I was named after Elijah Wood from the movie (and Yale like some people have slanderously suggested), as I really was born to be a ring-bearer. It also helped that mom lured me back to my seat with the irresistible taste sensation of blue lollipops:

After a lovely ceremony in which neither bride nor groom chickened out, I brought up the rear of the exiting wedding party. Just to make sure no one was groping each other's butts.

Hey hey, I want to see two pairs of hands!

Oh, and then I stole the bride:

My partying ways have continued since then. This past Tuesday I joined the hordes for some legendary Seattle fireworks...

...and then went to sleep at 11:15 at night. Two nights later, a partner at dad's law firm babysat me while mom and dad went to a firm event. (Pause for a moment and reflect on the huge leap of faith that dad took there. One "goddammit" out of my mouth the whole evening and poof, there goes the offer. I resisted.) At 10:30, when mom and dad came to pick me up, I was still going strong. Apparently my new nickname is Energizer Bunny. Which sounds a little girly to me. I much prefer Energizer Kitty Cat.

Peace out from the Pacific Coast,
Eli

2006-06-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

After a week in our posh lakeside retreat, reality has set in. We're now in a tiny little apartment which, frankly, is not up to my high standards:

You call this a breakfast nook??? Where's the kitchen island? The built-in wine rack? The wet bar?

Actually, the place is fairly livable. The only real downside is that you can only steal wireless internet from the far corner of my room, and even then only on alternate Thursdays between 1:30 and 1:33 pm. (Hence the long gap in blogging.) On the bright side, we live next door to some "urban homesteaders" who have an alpaca and ~20 long-haired rabbits in their back yard. So that's something, I guess.

The other downer is that I haven't made any human friends my age yet. Luckily, I have all of the companionship I need in the form of my freakish bobble-head quasi-anime sidekick, Kitty Cat:

She's eating her cat food right now.

I haven't just been hanging around our flat, taking care of my pets. One evening we went out to see the local baseball team, courtesy of daddy's law firm:

The Foam Finger of Justice made sure that no one wanted to sit within a three-row radius of us.

Most of the time mom and I go gallavanting around town while daddy goes to work. But the first highlight of the summer so far was our weekend in Vancouver. Daddy is quite the cheapskate (not sure where he gets it), so he put us all up at the local hippie hostel. The bunk-beds were pretty sweet:

What are you guys DOING down there???

We schlepped the bikes all the way across country, and we finally got to use them.

The best part was the aquarium. I got to find out where Moby Dick's been hanging out all of these years:

...and then took home the obligatory miniature plush version:

I named him "Splashie." He's on a different diet from Kitty Cat.

The next day, we took a cable car up to the top of a mountain above the city. A freak hailstorm blew through and lightning struck one of the towers, electrocuting some dude. They shut the cable cars down, so mom and dad had the bright idea of walking down the mountain. Luckily, I slept through most of the next two hours. I've been told that daddy's heroic effort carrying me for two miles down a 50% grade trail got him a special reward from mommy later that night.

This picture doesn't do justice to the misery and the agony that happened while I was asleep.

But daddy's expression comes a little closer...

This past weekend gave me a real taste of what Seattle is really all about. So there I was, with the family, waiting to watch the local neighborhood Summer Solstice parade...

Just minding my own business when...

Holy hell! I do NOT remember Spider Man and the Statute of Liberty ever looking like THAT...

That's right. Naked bikers to the left, naked bikers to the right. Clearly, I need to reconsider this whole Seattle thing. Or get naked, paint my body and join them. One or the other:

The rest of the parade managed to stear clear of nudity, although I did detect some subtle political undertones:

I'll try to be better about staying in touch in the next few weeks. It's just that it makes me so angry that we can't steal free internet at our apartment. Seriously, what's the world coming to?

2006-05-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

First things first-- we made it to Seattle safely. Second things second-- it frickin' rained every stop along the way. Seriously. It rained in the middle of a damn desert. We broke droughts in three different places. It rained on us and not on the other side of the campground. Clearly, someone is trying to get us ready to live in Seattle.

I've tried to provide a sort of photographic log of our trip. To start off, we have the family about to leave the 'chester. As you can see, our car is packed to the limit and primed to get a solid 15 miles per gallon:

I initially recommended that we all go cross-country by means that pollute less and use fewer of our precious fossil fuel resources. This idea was nixed, sadly:

Once we hit the road, I did most of the navigating. It appears from this picture that we were currently driving through New York. Hmm...

I went camping for the very first time in the Badlands. It's a good thing our tent doubled as a Darth Vader costume, because it rained all night:

This is me in the Badlands, right after what will heretofore be known as the Graham Cracker Incident. No big secret-- it basically involved me whining for a full hour about how I had broken a graham cracker into pieces and wanted to put it together again. The episode culminated in mom chucking the crackers out the window of our car onto federally protected land.

Luckily, things turned out OK when we got to Wall Drug, the cure-all for everything:

Next up was Mount Rushmore. I think I'm laughing here because I saw Teddy Roosevelt give Abraham Lincoln a "wet willie":

Later that afternoon, dad and I did a grueling hike through the Black Hills which involved a bit of a rock scramble near the top.

Here's dad and I later that evening, nursing our massive leg wounds incurred during the aforementioned hike: (oh, it rained soon after this)

Next day, we drove to Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming. Wyoming is forevermore the state that smells yucky:

Snow in May-- sweet!

This part smelled somewhat better. I think the federal airfreshener program seems to be working here:

Crud, back to bad smells. As my dad explained, this is where the earth goes to fart:

(as you can tell, it's about to rain)

On to Craters of the Moon in Idaho... soon to be known as Yellowstone II. Ha ha...

We did a bit of spelunking in the lava caves here...

...and back up for air!

Boise was the next stop. After resting for a few minutes, the cousins and I hit the trails:

Monty took the wheel for part of the last leg of the drive (through the rain):

At long last, we arrived in Seattle. We don't move into our dinky apartment for a few days, so this is our temporary digs. Remind me again why we're living in a dinky apartment?

I'm figuring they don't have Pac-Man in our apartment. Seattle is freakin' unbelievable.

More soon as we get settled in. It stopped raining today, so maybe there's hope.

2006-05-17T14:05:00.001-07:00

We're hitting the open road the day after tomorrow after a relaxing week in Partytown, USA (nickname: Rochester, Minnesota).

Since getting here, I've been very excited about doing everything in threes, since I am three years old after all. This covers everything from being served three of every food item to (really) squeezing out exactly three turds when I'm on the can. I've also had a great time showing Grandma Nene how well I can talk. In fact, just the other day I informed her that my favorite color was blue, my favorite TV show was Little Einsteins, and my favorite grandma was Grandma Lisa. She was positively glowing!

But you're my favorite grandmother named Nene. That means something, right?

I also took in my first rock concert. My cousin Tom's band, The Futures, performed at the local high school along with some lesser opening acts. The highlight was Tom belting out a cover of Weezer's classic "Say It Ain't So." And that was exactly my feeling when I found out that their set was over. You heard it here first-- this band has a "future"! And I have a future writing vapid blurbs for movie posters.

My parents were trying to get me to either show my devil horns or raise high the goblet of rock. This was merely a one-tongue show, though. A few more gigs and they'll be goblet-worthy.

Once dad arrived, I took him out to the links to teach him a little something:

First off, your pants are way too subtle. And you grip your club like you're gripping a... never mind.

I intend to discover America in the next few days as we visit what dad has informed me are some of our national treasures: Mt. Rushmore, Old Faithful, Wall Drug, and something the French apparently call Le Big Titty Mountains. As someone who missed out on a lot of the breast-feeding craze, I'm pretty psyched.

2006-05-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

The flight out to Minnesota was pretty sweet. I've flown a couple of times in the past, but this was the first time I noticed all of the cool buttons and controls on my seat. I've also learned a little bit about parental manipulation, as you can see from this conversation on the plane:

Me: (pointing up) What's that button?
Mommy: That's what you press if you need to talk to the stewardess.
Me: I want to press it!
Mommy: Well, we only press it if there's an emergency.
Me: What's an emergency?
Mommy: It's when something is wrong with you.
(pause for thought)
Me: Mommy, I'm not feeling good well. (coughs)

Now I'm kickin' it in the 'sota for a few days until daddy comes to pick us up and drive us out to Seattle. Ever since we got off the plane, I've been telling mommy that I'm not feeling good well in the hopes that one of those times, she'll let me press the button.

2006-05-10T09:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough last few days gearing up for departure. First, I had to tie up some loose ends at my last soccer practice. There was the obligatory team photo:

Six kids looking in the same direction-- that's the best you're gonna do.

Then they unleashed all of us for the first official match. It was hard to focus at first, what with all of the grass and dirt:

But eventually I "got into the game," as they say in the erectile dysfunction biz. At the very least, I chased around some of the kids who were chasing the ball.

Frankly, the whole game was a sham. Players were offsides all over the place, parents were blatantly interfering with the players, and where were the out-of-bounds lines? This sport is a joke. I'm a rules guy, and I need my teammates to stay within those rules. As of today, I am declaring myself a free agent, available to the highest bidder.

I'm sort of glad I'll be missing the awards ceremony in two weeks. The self-esteeming of America has gone too far, and I refuse to be party to the doling out of meaningless participation awards to kids who showed up half the time and picked their noses all practice while guys like me were putting in the grunt work, digging up rocks and running in random directions for the whole hour. I say, you need to WORK for your laser-printed certificate.

Next on the agenda, I attended a farm-animal themed birthday for my friend Ari at the Museum of the Frontier Culture in Staunton. I couldn't tell you the slightest thing about how white people lived back in the day, but I can tell you all about what animals got tortured by toddlers back in the day:

Feel my wrath, chicken.

Come back to my birthday pate'... I mean, party!

Watch where you wave those horns, Bessie.

I was somewhat surprised to find these on the Muslim-themed farm.

We listened to Elton John all the way home. The bitch is back, baby!

Most importantly, I had to bid adieu to Monty, who is spending the summer with my friends Henry and Bubba (yes, Bubba) in the back woods of Albemarle County.

There is some concern that Monty will revert to a feral state by the time we reclaim him in August. I'm not too worried, mostly because Monty is basically a wild animal even when he's living with us.

See y'all west of the Mississippi!

2006-05-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

Just a word of warning-- you might get a small gap in Eli news coverage in the next few weeks. This Monday, mommy and I fly to Minnesota to visit the Scandinavian side of the family for a week or so. Then daddy is driving out and picking us up on the way out to Seattle. Don't worry-- I'll more than make up for the lull with wall-to-wall road trip coverage, complete with state capitols galore. Until then, stay cool and don't do anything I wouldn't have done 15 years from now.

2006-05-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

I had my big check-up the other day-- 3 years or 100,000 miles, whichever comes first. The doctor probed all of my major orfices (ok, not ALL) and jiggled my belly, which tickled. You'll be happy to know that I now weigh in at a whopping 26 pounds. I think I technically should still be facing backwards in my car seat and wearing size-three Pampers based on that figure. Luckily, I more than make up for it in spunk and constant verbal banter. Seriously, I do not shut up anymore. No joke.

My appointment inspired me to start playing doctor with my neighbor Rachel down the street. I've learned pretty quickly on my own, and Rachel is now scheduled for a bunion-removal operation this Saturday. I just need to get to work sharpening my Fisher-Price scissors.

2006-04-27T20:57:00.001-07:00

After months of being pushed around by the neighborhood thugs, I got myself engraved a few days ago:

Red-Eyed Tree Frogs in the house, bee-atch! The boys I roll with don't need real firearms when we're all packing guns like these.

2006-04-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

I've been on this big sanitation kick lately (clearly not my paternal genes), especially since mom bought me my own mop:

Considering mom's support of this new hobby, I was surprised by her reaction when I asked her to help out with some essential spring cleaning. I believe my exact words were, "Mommy, can you wipe the floor with me?"

She laughed at me. Can you imagine???

2006-04-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

I am a huge fan of carnivals. The rides are great, the food is nice and greasy. But what I really look forward to is the unabashed celebration of the grotesque and appalling. In this respect, the local fair in Charlottesville this past weekend did not disappoint.

The first thing I did upon arrival was get the lay of the land atop the ferris wheel:

OK... I'm just trying not to think about the last time this junker was inspected.

What I saw from the top was truly mind-boggling. You readers can share in my wonder by clicking on the picture below, printing it out on your computer, and circling all of the revoltingly obese people. It's fun for the whole family! (Answer key at the bottom)

1-3 --> You've been eating funnel cakes for so long, you wouldn't know a triple-chin if it smacked you upside the head.
4-6 --> Look harder. Fatties don't just hang out in the foreground.
7-9 --> You're starting to appreciate the flesh-fest.
10-12 --> You have a fairly well-honed flab-dar!
13-15 --> Impressive. You've made the honor "roll"... heh heh.
16+ --> You obviously have too much time on your hands. Put down the magnifying glass and get a life immediately. Or some exercise.

After seeing the big picture, I had to get a close up view, so I hopped aboard the elephant safari:

Oh my god, are those C-cups??? They ARE C-cups!!!

As fun as it was, the afternoon took a depressing turn when I paused to consider that the cost of the obesity epidemic was going to fall on the shoulders of my generation. Ari, my date for the afternoon, had to give me a hug.

I beg you, don't look in that direction. It's too much!

As promised, here is the answer key:

How'd you do? Either way, give yourself a big fat pat on the back.

2006-04-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

I woke up this past Sunday morning to the following crime scene:

My faithful drug-sniffing dog assessed the evidence and determined that it was delicious.

After a brief investigation, I concluded that someone had broken into our house and scattered colored eggs all over our furniture. Most of our electronic devices and applicances were still intact, so I attributed this burglary to a psychopath. I decided it was necessary to get inside the head of the criminal mastermind (Clarice Starling-style):

If I had two big furry ears, where would I hide the body... er, eggs?

This turned out to be a total dead end. So I gave up after a while and ate chocolate for the rest of the day. Apparently, some mysteries are best left unsolved.

2006-04-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

It had been a while since I'd sat down and discussed the finer points of legal theory with dad's school friends, so I was looking forward to seeing them all again at the annual UVA Law Spring Picnic. Much to my surprise, they were less interested in my controversial views on Alphabet Tort Theory and more interested in quizzing me on my state capitals. I obliged (and killed--100% correct!), and a few sad souls even admitted that I knew more than they did on the subject:

What the hell are they teaching these clowns if not the state capitals???

I also caught the eye of one of dad's professors, the great Caleb Nelson. He seemed genuinely impressed with my intellect, something that is apparently a rarity. I was told that I had a head start on getting a recommendation for a clerkship. Whatever that is.

Me 'n' Caleb. He doesn't seem to notice that I'm impersonating him. (NB: Only dad's law friends will get that or find it remotely amusing.)

PS: True story-- it was only a few weeks ago that mom explained to me that dad went to "law school" and not "lost school" as I had thought for my entire life. So it turns out that dad has been learning the law and not getting lost every day. Who knew?

2006-04-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

I should note that last week was my spring break from preschool. I was really pushing for a family vacation to Daytona, South Padre or Cancun, mostly because I've heard that there are lots of gulls down there that have gone wild. Given my nascent interest in ornithology, you can see why I wanted travel such a long distance to observe this phenomenon. Sadly, I was unable to persuade mom and dad to make the trip. I think this picture sums up how my spring break was spent instead:

Next year I'm going it alone.

Easter is coming up-- stay tuned for news on how I celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, who I'm guessing is someone who daddy is always angry at.

2006-04-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

I realize I've been incommunicado the last week or two, so I just want to give people a general update of what I've been up to so you guys don't panic.

I've been making great strides (ha!) in my individual football skills in the past few weeks, as you can see from this action shot:

The main problem is that I have such mad crazy ball skills, I'm having a hard time playing with my vastly inferior teammates. It's quite frustrating, really.

C'mon, kiddo, make a cut. You need to cut. If you just stand there, the ball is going to get stolen. Work with me here. For god's sake, DO SOMETHING!

It's really a problem of focus. Most of the kids out there get distracted by butterflies, dirt, specks of dust. Last practice was the first time we played together rather than just with our moms and dads, and it was pathetic. A lot of the parents looked like they were playing foosball out there, only yelling instead of turning the knobs to activate their players. Meanwhile, I was trying to... HEY! A butterfly! I'm gonna go chase after that butterfly... sorry, I'm back.

Anyway, I'm thinking of sticking to a more solitary sport like basketball, where I've mastered the no-jump slam dunk and have moved on to the mid-range jumper.

Yes, that is all net you see there. And yet, I did call it.

In addition to mastering the state capitols, I've started drawing letters:

Here's my Z, L, T and what appears to be an oblong vegetable.

This has also been a week of celebration, what with dad's birthday...

He finally turned twenty-leven!

...and Grandma Lisa getting a big lifetime achievement award. I'm still not sure precisely what the award was for, but I'm pretty sure it was "World's Greatest Grandma." It was my job to escort Grandma and Char the Great for the celebration weekend:

I was invited to the ceremony itself and naturally wanted to look my sharpest:

Then I thought, hey, I'm representing the University of Virginia. I'd better tweak my wardrobe just a little bit:

After the award was presented...

I think "Hadassah" is Jewish for "World's Greatest Grandma"...

...I gave a few off-the-cuff remarks:

Hi Grandma. I'm on a 'tage!

(Dad's still working on getting me to stop dropping the "s" on those double consonants. For some reason, he winces when I talk about my scooter. Go figure.)

2006-03-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

Call off the global warming alert. It's freakin' freezing today!

That's all I've got right now. Daddy is doing some show for the law school and has been largely unavailable to log me into my Blogspot account and edit my prose for me.

2006-03-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

Football practice started this Saturday (that's soccer for all you nose-picking yahoos out there). Having already developed a bit of expertise in the area of kicking, I soon expect to be joining the ranks of legends such as Pele, Maradonna and Escobar (minus the own goal and the getting killed).
The last thing you want to do on the first day of practice is pull a hamstring. Coach had us engaged in a rigorous stretching regimen that involved reaching up...

And touching the toes.

Presto, ready to play.

I was all amped up to scrimmage, but Coach said we had to do some lame-o drills before we could start mixing it up. So I waited patiently...

...lined up my shot...

...blew past the defense, and...

Gooooooalagoalagoalagoalagoala!!!!! Nothing but net.

Much to my dismay, I'm the shortest, scrawniest 3 year-old out there. Hopefully, I'll also be the scrappiest. I promise more action shots in the next few weeks-- the photographic kind, not the Escobar kind.

2006-03-10T12:27:00.000-08:00

Bully for global warming! To all those negative nellies out there who want to reduce emissions and save our species from mass extinction, I submit to you this: 80 degrees in early March. If this is Armageddon, then sign me up! I mean, what a great day to...
1) Have a picnic in the backyard.

2) Do some civil engineering (here, daddy and I demonstrate what the Route 29 bypass around Charlottesville could look like-- if it were built out of sand)

3) Work on my jump shot. (Check out the textbook follow-through-- classic J.J. Redick, n'est-ce pas? Just need to work on my trash-talking.)

2006-03-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

In preparation for conquering the great peaks of Washington State this summer, I set out yesterday on a trial run up one of the great peaks of Charlottesville.

I brought only the essential supples-- my Thomas The Tank Engine shoes and my two sherpas:

Mush! I need to be at the first base camp by sundown!

Thanks for the extra hand, ma'am. Your assistance will be reflected in your sherping fee.

There's nothing quite as rewarding as getting to the summit:

Right after this picture was taken, I put down an American flag and claimed this mountain in the name of the United States.

I figure after yesterday I'm in pretty good shape to tackle this puppy:

It looks small in the picture. About an inch high, in fact.

2006-03-09T09:22:00.000-08:00

My Uncle Wren got me a video about the state capitals, so that's the next step in my plan to memorize every useless fact in the world. I've gotten about a third of them down, and with only a month to go until the preliminary rounds of the National Geography Bee (Toddler division).

Just don't ask me what a "capital" is. Or a "state" for that matter.

2006-03-06T18:42:00.000-08:00

As part of the mom's club lecture series "Know Your Public Servants," I got to go on an exclusive tour of the local fire station. Dad came along in part because he's on spring break and in part to make sure Mommy wasn't "seduced by any muscular pieces of firefighting man-meat." (his words-- not sure what he meant there)

I came prepared in case they needed an extra hand to man the hook and ladder:

Fireman Dave demonstrated proper use of a gas mask in case of a terrorist chemical attack, a deadly viral outbreak, or when daddy cuts loose with a "silent-but-deadly." The key is not to panic.

All in all, one of the greatest experiences of my life. Which reminds me-- I was featured in The Onion a few weeks ago (under an alias) waxing eloquent about my love of all things fire-related. Check it out here.

Next week-- the good folks at the sanitation department lecture us on the topic "Out Of The Butt, Into The River." Stay tuned.

2006-02-26T15:10:00.000-08:00

Art update! I've moved out of my Jackson Pollock expressionist phase and have instead gotten into figure drawing. This is my first self-portrait. As you can see, John Lennon is one of my major influences:

I call it "Eli Without Nose." (Medium: napkin and ink)

2006-02-26T15:03:00.000-08:00

My vocabulary is rapidly expanding, and I have mom and dad (but mostly mom) to thank. The other day, I was playing trains with daddy when my battery-powered Polar Express took a fatal tumble off the plastic mountain. I looked at daddy, smiled and said "goddammit." It must have been the right word to use, because daddy could hardly control his pleasure at what I said. So I tried it out a couple more times before daddy explained to me that it was a big person word that I wasn't old enough to use.

I can't wait until I grow up. Words are fun.

2006-02-21T12:45:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, Grandma and Grandpa took mommy and daddy on their annual circus outing. They let me come along as well, and it was good times all around.

Now, let me say right off the bat that I didn't appreciate the PETA protesters outside the front gates-- not in the slightest. I found that the animals were treated quite humanely. If anything, it was the humans who were taking a beating:

Waiting on this elephant hand and foot...

...and getting bitten in the buttcheeks.

But let's be honest: the circus is about the gourmet cuisine, and this one had it in spades.

The French call this "Le Cotton Candy."

Mmm... gotta love the all-natural blue raspberry...

2006-02-15T19:04:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I set out to discover my blue collar, working class roots. Y'know, mingle with the proletariat, the salt of the earth, the common man.

My first bowling experience was good times... downing some brewskies, talk about girls, cheating on my score, hoping to catch a glimpse of The Dude, maybe even The Jesus. My only disappointment was in discovering that they technically wouldn't let me rear back and chuck the ball myself:

Apparently, the local nursing home had some extra equipment...

It's a miracle! I can walk again!!!

2006-02-15T12:27:00.000-08:00

It snowed a few days ago. Daddy and I collaborated on a snow sculpture, although as you can see our inspiration was too humble to pose with me.

2006-02-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

Dad's been trying to use my obsession with the 50 states to "wean me off the cheesy, cloying crap put out by Raffi and his ilk." (Dad's words-- I personally think Raffi is a musical visionary.) Anyways, he's started to put together a mix of songs with the names of states in it. I'm a little skeptical that Alabama really is as sweet as the song seems to indicate, but I do enjoy singing the one about California. See if you can sing along:

We've been on a run,
Driving in a sun
Looking out for that number one.
California here it comes.
Right back where it started from.
CALIFORNIA!!!!! Here it COMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good stuff, huh?

2006-02-07T07:12:00.000-08:00

I'm getting tired of my dad constantly telling me that I talk like Donald Rumsfeld. Is it because I ask rhetorical questions and answer them immediately? Perhaps. Is it because I bear a physical resemblance to our Secretary of Defense? Unlikely. Does daddy have serious issues? Undoubtedly.

See, no resemblance!

Although I do concede that I look somewhat like this guy.

2006-02-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

Birthday number three treated your intrepid mini-blogger quite well, materialistically speaking. Before the celebrations started, mom sat down to prep me on how to react when someone gives you a present. The conversation went like this:
Mom: We have to make sure we say thank you no matter what present we get. So what do we say when someone gives you, let's say, a truck?
Me: Thank you for the truck.
Mom: Good. OK, now what do we say if someone gives you socks?
Me: No thank you!
Mom: (bursts out laughing)
Luckily, I never had to lay the smack down, since all of my presents were freakin' sweet (and essential). I now have enough Thomas The Tank Engine paraphernalia to keep the economy of the small island nation of Sodor rolling well into the 25th century. I also got several excellent puzzles of the United States. So far I've managed to keep track of all of them except Oregon. Sorry, Oregon. You're somewhere under my bed or in the laundry hamper. (As an aside, I've moved on from just identifying the states to knowing trivia questions like which states are the smallest and biggest, which oceans border which states, and which states are home to which relatives.)

Yew Nork was the tastiest of the United States of Eli.
(As a second aside, if I didn't mention your present, it's not because I didn't like it. Unless you got me socks and they're still in the mail.)

As promised, here is the 4-1-1 on the hot birthday parties that you missed:

The Mom's Club Party
This one had it all. Kids. Food. A pinata shaped like Thomas the Tank Engine. Nicole Richie and Taye Diggs RSVP'd, but they had to call at the last minute to cancel. So it was a little low on the star wattage, but more than compensated for by the DJ (mom did the mixing).

Please, God, let it be filled with more trains...

The Family Party
This would have been the party to attend if you were looking for a more low-key affair and happened to be an immediate blood relative who lived within two hours of me.

Luckily, Mom tells me I'm only half related to these people.

The Neighborhood Party
Probably the most exclusive party of all. If you weren't from my 'hood... if you didn't wear the right colors... if you didn't flash the right signs... the bouncer saw you to the door.

This is the Burnet Kommons Krew, practicing our tags before we hit the streetz.

It was a long weekend, and by the end of it I was pretty beat:

OK, one more picture for the road. As you can see, we love Dora. Especially Dad.

I told dad to photoshop away the Tootsie Roll residue streaming out of my mouth in the original picture-- I hope he listened to me and did my bidding.

2006-02-02T07:56:00.000-08:00

(Imagine me doing the "Cabbage Patch" or "stirring the pot"...) IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! UH-HUH, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

A more detailed description of what it feels like to be three (plus a photo diary of my haul) is forthcoming. I just wanted to get this out there now in case people forgot.

2006-01-27T08:27:00.000-08:00

I'm getting pretty stoked about my birthday coming up on February 2. My dad has been touting all of the exciting things I will be able to do legally once I turn the big oh-three. Apparently I can get my tricycle license, defend our country in our president's upcoming Children's Crusade (oops, I've said too much!) and get access to the secret parts of the Playhouse Disney web site.

Naturally, I'm hosting three birthday parties next weekend-- one for my mom's club peeps, one for my family, and one for the neighbors. I'm I bit daunted by the prospect of having twenty-six parties when I get to be daddy's age, but since mommy and daddy will be planning them I won't sweat it too much.

Keep posted here for the dirt on any tawdry scandals that come out of the upcoming bashes. Or www.awesomeparishiltonparties.com. I'm sure the pictures will wind up on both sites.

2006-01-24T14:02:00.000-08:00

These past few days I've been making some serious headway in my goal of identifying all of our 50 states by shape. I'm doing quite well in the Far West, Midwest and Mid-Atlantic regions, though I'm polling a bit weaker in the deep South and New England. So far, Texas is my favorite state-- it's nice and bulky, really anchoring our southern border. I'm also a big fan of Yew Nork, with its pleasing triangular shape. I'm a bit annoyed by mom and dad's efforts to confuse me by reversing the first letters of that state's name. However, this has not chilled my desire to one day visit the crown jewel of that state, Yew Nork City. While we're on the west coast this summer, I'd also like to visit Alaska and Hawaii, which are conveniently located in little boxes just off shore.

Wisconsin is apparently afflicted with a giant piece of cheese which covers 2/5 of the state...

Once I've nailed down the shapes, I expect to move on to identifying every state by color. For some reason, they're all either red or blue. Go figure. I'd really like to make Texas pink, and I hope the residents of that fine state will go along with it.

After that's taken care of, I expect to memorize each state's motto, insect and age-of-consent laws.

Ha ha, just kidding there. Mottos are dumb.

2006-01-13T11:34:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, I've caught the gaming bug big time. Don't worry, parents! I'm not shooting hookers on the streets of Los Angeles or goring my enemies in some form of "mortal combat." Mom and dad won't let me near those games, darn them. I have, however, become a beast on the insect dominos circuit:

I've got two grasshoppers right here. Draw, fool!

But my real talent is Candyland. The key here is to lull your opponent into a false sense of superiority by pretending that you don't know your colors. Then let her get a big lead in the race to the Candy Castle, offer her double or nothing, and--WHAM-- draw the coveted ice cream cone card.

Pay up, woman. I'll take candy instead of cash.

If my Candyland hustling career stalls, I can at least fall back on stand-up comedy. Last Saturday I had the following witty exchange with mom:

Eli: Hey Mommy!
Mom: Hay is for horses.
Eli: No, H is for horses.

Look, it's better than a lot of what's out there. Cut me some slack.

2006-01-10T21:12:00.000-08:00

Mom and dad got back from Venezuela yesterday, putting and end to my kick-butt six-day grandparent vacation. I took this opportunity to unveil my patented 3 Stages of Reparentalization:
1) Joy - This tends to be an involuntary reaction to the fact that I actually missed my parents. Once I am able to control myself and suppress my real emotions, it is time to proceed to...
2) Anger - Throwing myself on the floor and other tantrum-related activities. Generally accompanied by frequent use of the word "no." After venting for a few hours, it's on to...
3) Guilt - This is the critical juncture where success can mean getting taken along on the next vacation, and failure can mean mom and dad wanting to go on vacation again as soon as possible. This approach can take a number of forms. As a segue from the anger phase, it can involve crying when mom or dad go into the next room out of fear that they will run out the back door and board another plane for Latin America. Later, guilt can take the more subtle form of talking nonstop about the fun things I did while mom and dad were gone and using all of the new words and phrases I learned in their absence.

The key is to know when to drop the schtick and go back to being my normal crazy self. You can't overplay your hand or else it will totally backfire. When mom and dad start looking at Expedia.com when you're playing in the other room, you know you've taken it too far.

Switching gears... Mom and dad are too lazy to start their own blog, so they've asked me to post some pictures from their trip. They wanted me to let everyone know that they did not run into Harry Belafonte while they were there, but if they had they would have asked for his autograph and then told him to stick to his Day-O job and stay out of the "goodwill ambassador" business.
Mom and dad next to a big boat-- perhaps a banana boat. Could that be Harry Belafonte on the deck? Hmm...
Caracas, with a giant ski lift. According to mom and dad, Caracas is best seen from this distance.
Dad, very proud of his $1 DVDs. Can you believe this guy is going to be a lawyer one day?
Mom doing the chaka chaka dance at the wedding. I'm a little disturbed that she appears to be having fun without me.
Evidently one of the natives in traditional ceremonial tribal attire. I'm not sure what this picture is doing here.

2006-01-02T10:52:00.000-08:00

Mom and dad are leaving on a week-long a junket to Venezuela, leaving me in the capable hands of a grandmother tag-team. I urged them not to pack any of their 700 Club paraphernalia (it's just plain tacky). In return, they've promised to bring me back Hugo Chavez as a souvenir. Very exciting.